Feeling connected.

Posted on February 11, 2019 by Mr Bashful

17th Century philosopher John Donne famously wrote:

‘No man is an island, entire of itself;
every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less . . .
Any man’s death diminishes me,
because I am involved in Mankind;
and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
it tolls for thee.’

Although every man (and woman) appears at first glance to be separate and alone, we are not alone. We are ‘part of the main’ (the ‘main’ being ‘humanity’.)

As explained elsewhere, we evolved an innate need to feel connected, because that keeps us in the tribe where we are more likely to survive long enough to pass on our genes. We can feel connected when we, for example, have a strong network of friends and family, or when we are a member of a gang, tribe, or team. The trouble is, the people who aren’t a member of that gang or network may be excluded, which means: disconnection. So, although those ways are good ways to feel connected, they’re not the best way. The best way is to feel connected with humanity. We need to fully accept, on an emotional level, that we aren’t islands, that we are all part of the main. One good way to feel that way is to fully believe that:

‘We are all in this together, in this stormy sea, and we owe each other a terrible loyalty.’
G.K. Chesterton.

and

‘I am better than no one, and no one is better than me’.
Unknown, and discussed in a previous chapter.

However, if you don’t already fully believe those two sentiments, I won’t be changing your mind. But there is one practical step we can take to feel connected with humanity: we can learn to have quality conversations with the people we know and meet.

If you think you could improve your conversational skills, practise the tips in the following two chapters. Practise with a friend. Then with colleagues. Then with your enemies. One day you will find your conversations with people flowing.

‘. . . Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?’
High school teacher, Paul Barnwell, from Celeste Headlee’s TED talk, ‘10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation.’

Posted in Feeling connected | Tagged | Leave a comment

1. When someone speaks to you . . .

Posted on February 8, 2019 by Mr Bashful

. . . make that person interesting!

‘To have a real conversation, you must hear what he other person is saying, think about it and then respond. . . .  Many so-called “conversations” really consist of two people saying what they know or think. Neither is really listening to the other; they’re often repeating things they’ve said before, and the exchange is focused on each individual’s thoughts, ideas and needs.’
“How to Have a Better Conversations. by Celeste Headlee, Toastmasters’ Magazine.

It stands to reason: the more interesting we find people, the more connected with them we will feel. However, I’m not going to ask you to manufacture interest in what other people say, even though that’s what the experts recommend. ‘If you want to be interesting, be interested.’, they say. But we can’t simply ‘choose to be interested’. If that were easy, all of us could find anything interesting.

I made that mistake once. A friend of mine, Tom, struggled to take an interest in other people. One day he was complaining about how hard it is to make friends, and I suggested he try showing an interest in what people said to him. I gave him the above mantra,‘If you want to be interesting, be interested’, and he thought that was a good idea.

‘Let’s try it,’ I said to him. ‘I’m about to tell you something about myself. All you have to do is try to be curious about what I say, and ask a few questions.’

‘Righto,’ he said, keen to experiment.

I said to him, ‘This week the football team I support lost its coach indefinitely. The coach has a rare disease.’

Tom is only mildly interested in Australian Rules football, but this was his chance to at least pretend to be interested. He could have asked me questions like,
‘Mark, does this concern you?’
‘Can your team win anyway?’
‘Will the coach be alright by the time the finals come round?’
‘Could this be a blessing? Will the team freshen up under his replacement?’

His response?

‘That happened to Arsenal a few years ago. The Manager —’

We examined his response and tried again. I told him I had been on a date the night before, and suggested to him that he show interest by asking me questions about her. I thought he might ask me questions like,
‘What’s her name?’
‘What is she like?’
‘Where did you go?’
‘How did you meet her?’
‘Do you like her?’

  His response? He said something else about Arsenal.

When the experts advise us to ‘be interested’ they don’t take into account that many people don’t know how to be interested. Even if they asks questions to indicate interest, they can’t sustain it. They quickly feel bored, unloved and neglected, and revert to talking about themselves.

However, there are strategies we can employ which will prompt us to become interested. They need to be practised.

Q. ‘But Mark, I want people to like me. If I show interest in them, how will get them interested in me? Besides, if those people want to talk about themselves, they are probably self-centred and high maintenance. To keep their friendship I’ll have to keep listening to them and keep showing interest in them. I’ll be setting myself up for a long and arduous task, just to gain their friendship. It’s just not worth it!’
That’s why it’s unhelpful pretending to be interested. When you are genuinely interested in what the other person says, you will prefer to stay on that subject. Unless you have a skilled questioner eliciting self-revelations from you, you won’t want to talk about yourself. You will find yourself boring, because you already know your material!

Besides, if the other person has good communication skills there will be plenty of opportunities to discuss your interests.

By the way, it’s not the attention you crave, it’s the connection you crave. That connection isn’t built on one person’s stories, it is built on the bond created when two people find the conversation interesting.

‘Because of its rarity, the skill of excellent listening sends a powerful message. It says, “You are important. Your ideas are valuable. You and what you think matter to me.”’
Dr Bev Smallwood.

Tips on how to make the person interesting:
Combine a few of these tips and you can make a person interesting to you.

(1) First, aim to be curious. Have that intention in mind when you’re about to speak with someone. Seek to understand.

(2) Don’t be a ‘conversational narcissist’. That’s Karen Friedman’s (from Toastmasters) term for the people who turn the conversation to what they want to talk about, which is usually themselves.
  Remember Tom, who wanted to talk about Arsenal? Don’t be like him. Don’t direct the conversation to what you’re interested in.

Which do you think is the better response, and why?
Damien: ’I have a new girlfriend.’
 Geoff: ‘Good for you! Tell me about her.’
 Geoff: ‘Lucky you. I haven’t had a girlfriend for a while.’

Elka: ’I am pregnant. At long last I’m going to have a child.’
Elka’s mother: ‘Lovely! Tell me what you know!’
Elka’s mother: ‘At last, I’m going to be a grandmother!’

(3) Ignore the technology.
If you are on the phone talking to someone, ignore your computer. Put it on ‘sleep’. Don’t multi-task.

If you are talking with a person face to face, don’t answer your phone. Or, if you must, pre-warn the person that you might have to talk a call.
 
If you’re planning to have an in-depth talk with someone, have your computer off and your phone out of the room. That way, it won’t haunt you. You won’t be wondering if there is a text, call or email for you. You can focus on the person.

(4) Listen for the message behind what is being said.
One good way to banish the side trips in your mind and keep your focus is to look for the underlying message. If a neighbour talks endlessly about his cat, his deeper message may be ‘I am telling you my problems because I want to feel that I matter.’ Or, the message may be, ‘I desperately want connection with someone.’ Or, he may fear for his cat’s health and wants reassurance from you. Or whatever. Figure out which one it is.

Let’s say Auntie Sue talks about her daughter’s wedding plans. On the surface it might appear to be a conversation about trite things of little interest to you, but by listening for the real message you might, for example, discover that she believes her daughter isn’t yet ready for marriage. Direct your questions there. Your aunt will benefit because she gets to talk about her real concerns, and you both benefit because the conversation becomes more interesting. And, you both experience a stronger connection!

If John is telling you about his great idea, understand the idea as best you can. And discover why he thinks his idea is important. What is his deeper aim?

When someone at Speakers’ Corner kept telling me about the phonetic alphabet he had invented, I looked for his deeper message. I soon realised that as an immigrant, he had suffered a great deal by not knowing the English language. He didn’t want other immigrants to suffer the same fate, so he invented a language that any computer would understand. You only had to talk into the computer and you could speak to anyone in the world. Of course, people have invented that, but that’s beside the point.

(5) Imagine what the person might be feeling.
This can make the conversation more interesting for you, and help you understand their deeper message.

(6) Become comfortable with silence.
 When the person finishes speaking and is awaiting your response, give what they said respect by thinking about it. Use that silence to figure out how you will respond.

(7) Don’t prepare a reply.
Anyway, you’re looking for the deeper message, aren’t you?

‘Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.’
Stephen R. Covey, from his book, ‘The 7 habits of Highly Effective People’

(8) Let the person know you are listening.
(i) Ask questions. (See the next tip.)
(ii) Even better, let the person know that you understand their deeper message by paraphrasing what they have said.
‘Let me get this right: your idea is to . . . is that correct?’
‘From what you have been saying, I understand that your daughter . . .’
(iii) An even better method comes from Celeste Headlee in her TED talk, ’10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation’: ‘There is no reason to learn how to show you’re paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.’

(9) Ask questions.
Everyone is interesting if you ask the right question. (Well, that’s the theory, anyway. At least have that in mind.)
  Make sure they’re open questions, not closed questions. (Closed questions are answered with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’.)
Frank meets Gail at a cooking class:
Frank: ‘Gail, do you like cooking?’ It’s a poor question because it’s a closed question.
Frank: ‘Why are you learning to cook?’ Good! That is an open question and it focuses on Gail’s interests.
‘What is it like to —?’
‘How did it feel when you —?’

(10) Don’t ask questions for the sake of asking them. Ask questions to which you want to know the answer.
If you find someone boring it might be that you’re not asking the right questions. Search for a question that makes you want to know the answer. For example:

Gail: ‘I’m learning to cook so that my husband and I can enjoy good food at home.’
Frank ‘What does he like to eat?’ That’s a poor question. Why would Frank ask that question? Why would he care about what Gail’s husband likes to eat? He wouldn’t, would he? The question is not only boring, it’s disingenuous. He is obviously talking for the sake of talking. When we ask a question, we need to ask one that makes us want to know the answer. Frank could try instead:
Frank: ‘For how long have you been married? I’m asking because I’m wondering why you’re learning to cook now?’ There are two questions there, and both are personal. But provided personal questions are not too intrusive, they’re the ones that matter. If Gail is reticent to answer, Frank can back off.

Insightful questions generate interest. Then we have communication and connection. If we ask questions simply to make friends, the only friends we will make are those who also want company. Then we can end up with a friendship that succeeds only because we are company for one another, not because there is a rich closeness between us.

(There are exceptions: boy meets girl. Boy and girl have to ask questions to get a conversation going. Although interesting questons are better, the questions can be trite. That’s understood. But for their relationship to grow, they will have to start asking insightful questions.)

(11) Don’t settle for glib.
Let’s say you learn that your friend, Ali, goes to kickboxing classes. You ask him a question.
You: ‘Ali, why do you go to kickboxing classes?
Ali: ‘To keep fit.’
If you accept that answer it shows you aren’t interested. For example, Ali hasn’t explained why he chose to do kickboxing classes instead of aerobic classes or jogging.

By accepting his answer you have missed a chance to connect with him. Only by pushing for a real answer will you have any chance of getting an interesting answer. The better your questions, the more interesting the person becomes.

  Don’t ask question after question though. It’s okay to go deeper and deeper it doesn’t sound like an interrogation, or creepy. Stop when either your curiosity is sated, or when you feel the person isn’t pleased to be answering your questions.

(12) Interrupt the person if you don’t understand something, or need clarification. That makes the conversation more enjoyable for you, and it lets the person know you are listening.
  But don’t finish a person’s sentence for them. It’s not just the sentence they’re trying to figure out, it’s the thought behind it.

(13) Make a mental note of at least one thing the person tells you.
The next time you see that person you ask them about it. For example, if Max says he is going trout fishing tomorrow, make a note to ask him how it went when you next speak with him. If you hear something interesting about trout fishing, remember it, and the next time you see Max, tell him.
  ‘I’m not interested in trout fishing. Didn’t you ask us to be genuine? Why ask us to fake an interest?’
I’m not asking you to pretend to be interested, I’m asking you to make a mental note, and then later, ask how it went. That does two things:
(1) It gives him a gift; he feels acknowledged, and therefore, valued.
(2) Having that habit – of making a mental note – increases your ability to listen and build an actual interest.

(14) Notice your judgments and let them drift away.
‘This guy is a fool. Oh, wait, I’m judging him. I’ll let that thought go and keep focusing.’ 
  If you like, after the conversation has concluded, ask yourself, ‘Why was I judgmental? Why did I make the judgment? What does that say about me and my values? Do I really need to impose my values on her?’
  Do that and you will learn heaps about yourself.

(15). Don’t talk over someone.
That tip may seem obvious, and you probably think you don’t do it, but countless people make this mistake.
Gary: In my leisure time I like to count the cars crossing that bridge.
Sue: Really? Is that the best thing . . .
Gary: At night I count the headlights, and divide by two to get the number of cars.

(16) End the conversation on your terms.
Some people may take advantage of your attention, so you need to set boundaries. When you decide the conversation is to end, end it honestly. Don’t fidget. Don’t display boredom. Don’t look away.  Smile and say, ‘I’m going now. Goodbye.’

Posted in 1. When someone speaks to you | Tagged | Leave a comment

2. When you speak to someone . . .

Posted on February 5, 2019 by Mr Bashful

. . . strive to be interesting!

“Talking well and conversing well are not the same thing. We often make the mistake of thinking someone is a good conversationalist because they’re funny, witty or tell good stories. But that’s what a stand-up comedian does well, and you’d hardly describe an evening ata comedy club as a conversation.’
From “How to Have a Better Conversations”. by Celeste Headlee, Toastmasters’ Magazine.

(1) Ask yourself, ‘Why am I telling the person this?’
Someone I know tells me long meandering stories without getting to the point. I keep trying to understand her underlying message, but fail. I finally ask her, ‘Why are you telling me this?’ She responds by continuing to tell me her story. She doesn’t understand that I am bewildered, and doesn’t attempt to understand her motives for speaking to me.

I ask her again, ‘What is the point you’re making?’

She doesn’t answer me because she doesn’t know. That’s why her conversations don’t end. She speaks to me to alleviate her loneliness, I suspect. The trouble is, by not having a message she bores people silly and frightens them away. And exacerbates her loneliness.

Don’t be like her. Instead, be like Mr Ed. Don’t speak unless you have something to say. Know precisely what your message is, and give it. If you are telling a story or giving information, ask yourself,
‘Why am I telling them this?’
‘What’s the best way to make my point?’

If you cannot think of an answer, conclude the conversation.

‘Examine your feelings and intent before the conversation., to ensure you know what you want to say and why you want to say it. Pinpoint your ultimate goal and how it will impact the person you are talking to. We have to think, ‘What’s in it for them?’ ‘What’s my bottom line and how am I going to get it across.’ says Robyn Hatcher in her book, ‘Standing Ovation Presentations’, and brought to my attention by Toastmaster Kathleen Fordyce. That advice doesn’t apply to just presentations!

(2) Ask yourself, ‘Does this person want to know this?’
Some people assume that because they themselves are interested in what they are saying, the other person must be interested as well. It’s a big mistake and it’s unacceptable. Don’t make that assumption. Ask yourself:
‘Does this person want to know this?’
‘Does this person really want to hear about my grandchildren? My medical problems? My opinion?’
If the answer is ‘no’, stop telling them.

  When we speak to people our job is not to alleviate our loneliness (it won’t work anyway), it’s to:
– be informative to people who want or need the information, or
– or get something off our chest, and a friend has kindly consensted to accept it, or
– be entertaining.

Otherwise, we need to stop talking.

When we cut our conversations short and only talk when it’s relevant or interesting to the other person, we stop frightening people away. And we begin to connect with them.

(3) Ask yourself, ‘Is the person trying to get away?
Look to see. When I speak at Speakers’ Corner those who have listened long enough just walk away. But when I have only a handful of grasshoppers, some are reluctant to leave for fear of hurting my feelings. But when their eyes look away and their feet splay in the direction they want to go, I immediately conclude and thank them for their interest. They smile and take that as a good time to leave.

I have done them a favour.

It’s my job as a speaker to be interesting, and in day-to-day interactions it’s our job to be interesting. We might fail regularly, but we need to try. Every time we interest someone, we connect with them. That brief bond is undeniable, and important. Get plenty of those interactions during the day and we can’t fail to satisfy our deep need to belong.

The tip again: Look to see if the other person is interested in what you have to say. It’s your job to make sure they are. If they’re not, leave them be.

How will you know? Look for the signs:
– Is the person avoiding eye contact?
– Is their body facing yours, or away?
– Are their answers short, clipped?
– Is the tone of their voice flat?
– Are their smiles forced?

(4) Be watchful for what the person wants.
If the person asks for your opinion on something, they might want a detailed opinion or they might want a one-liner. Ask them which. ‘Do you want me to be thorough, or the quick version?’

(5) Ditch the detail.
Can you remember a time when someone told you a story and it went on forever? And how they included the boring, irrelevant facts just to make sure they got the story right?
‘Last October . . . no, it might have been November . . . Yes, October. I remember because it was my mother’s birthday. . . .’

’My aunt used to live in that house. For four years.’  Their aunt is not relevant to your life, but the speaker doesn’t care about that; they’ll deliver the detail anyway. Painful.

Why do people do it? They do it because they aren’t talking to you for your benefit, they’re talking to you for their benefit. They find the story interesting. They don’t aim to interest you; instead, they throw a story at you and expect you to be interested. Big difference.

Don’t talk like that person. Spare your listener. Omit the boring stuff and the details as you go. Figure out your point and say it succinctly, or not at all. By doing so, you show the person you care about how they are experiencing you.

The exception? A good storyteller will include details to enhance the story. They include the details for your benefit, not theirs. That’s the difference.

In short, the other person doesn’t need to know the name of the newsagent who sold you the newspaper. Dump the details. Get to the meat.

(6) Don’t hog the conversation.
Be brief, or be captivating. Help the other person stay engaged with what you are saying by giving them opportunities to respond. Give them opportunities to ask questions.
  Aim to speak no more than the person you are speaking with.

“Imagine conversation as a game of tennis in which you are constantly hitting the ball back to the other side. Remember that you already know everything you’re going to say and, if you’re going to learn something new, you’re going to have to listen to someone else.”
Celeste Headlees, journalist and public radio host, speaker and expert in communication. 

(7) Don’t be a topper. Let the other person have the moment.
Kim: ‘I once kicked eight goals in a game.’
Dale: ‘I once kicked ten.’
Dale could have graciously refrained from topping Kim’s story. Instead, Dale created a disconnection.

(8) Don’t repeat yourself.
It’s rude and it’s boring.
Australia’s ABC Radio National presenters do it often when presenting an item.

Presenter: ‘Today a cow fell on twelve people. Tim Smith reports to us from the scene.’
Tim Smith: ‘Today a cow fell on twelve people — ’

Yep, we get the same facts told to us twice. I look at my radio and tell the presenter off, though it’s unlikely they hear me.

The presenter would claim the introduction is a ‘teaser’. I call it ‘laziness’. But just because presenters can be lazy doesn’t mean we have to be. Let’s not repeat ourselves.
  Let’s not repeat ourselves. (Irritating, isn’t it?)

‘If you say something ten times, you clearly don’t expect them to listen to you. Notice the way people in authority – police, for example – take control of a situation. A wave of their hand, and the traffic stops. They say things once, and directly.’
From David J. Lieberman’s book, ‘Never Be Lied To Again’.

(9) Don’t litter your paragraphs with terms like, ‘You know’ and ‘You know what I mean?’.
If you can also refrain from other clichés like, ‘The bottom line’ and ‘at the end of the day’, even better!
  And definitely get rid of the ums & ers!

(10) Every ten years tell a stand-alone joke.
I’m thinking of that guy in the party who tells one joke and gets a laugh. He tells another. And another. And another . . . 
  Don’t be that person.
Be as funny as hell in conversation. Quips are fine. But don’t recite more than one stand-alone joke at a time. Unless a joke is relevant to the conversation, (and isn’t torturously long), leave it for a comedian or an emcee to tell. Get on with proper conversation.

(11) Be transparent.
(i) Don’t lie. When you lie, it’s likely that on some level, the person you are speaking to will know it. That will diminish the connection they have with you. Make a conscious decision to not lie when you speak with the people you know and meet.

(ii) Be open. Reveal your faults and insecurities if it’s appropriate. If you’re hiding something, you’re closing yourself off; and if you’re revealing parts of yourself, you’re strengthening the bonds between you and the listener. But don’t blurt your health problems or insecurities if they’re not relevant to the other person. Remember the first two tips: ‘Why am I telling them this?’ and ‘Do they need to know this?’

(12) If you give someone a compliment, make sure it’s genuine.
If you like someone’s dress, tell them. If you like someone’s haircut, tell them. But never lie.

‘Help people feel good about themselves – catch them doing something right.’
From the book, ‘The One Minute Manager’, by Kenneth Blanchard.

(13) Consider inviting other people into the conversation.

(14) Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.
Don’t try to exploit the people you are speaking with, unless you’re meant to be networking.

Exercise 1
oin a public speaking club.
The benefits:
– When writing your speeches you will learn what to include and what to leave out. That’s a good skill to foster!
– You will develop your confidence in speaking with people.
– You will enhance your speaking skills so that when you speak, you do so fluently and clearly. You will know how to vary your pace and tone to enhance their interest.

Exercise 2

‘Be the first to say good morning.’
Ross Gittins.

Posted in 2. When you speak to someone. | Tagged | Leave a comment

Connecting with the people close to us – Introduction

Posted on February 3, 2019 by Mr Bashful

Although we don’t need close relationships to satisfy our need for connection, and to be happy, they are nevertheless a great way to satisfy that need.

You can find plenty of articles on how to have healthy relationships, but let’s explore six ways here.

The handcuff story of Monica and Yvonne:
‘While looking around the market we came across a pair of handcuffs. Yvonne and I took one look at each other and said ‘Yes!’ in unison. So we attached ourselves to each other and proceeded to walk around the market. We didn’t take them off until we got home. 
  We learnt a number of things from this experience. People’s reactions were so varied and different. A few people asked us why, but not many. Lots of double-takes, lots of smiles and a lot of avoidance. But what struck us about the experience was how quickly we learnt to cope with each other cuffed together. By the time we got home we virtually forgot we had them on. The give-and-take that went along with the handcuffs was incredible. At first we were conscious of the situation but in the end it became so natural and wasn’t noticed or even questioned. I suppose it’s like a relationship with someone. It’s the first conscious effort at the beginning, learning to give-and-take, and understanding the newness and working at it together, until the give-and-take is a natural unquestioned thing, but never taken for granted. Because taking it for granted, like taking the handcuffs for granted, could have disastrous consequences.
  Even though we were joined by the handcuffs we were still two individuals, two different personalities, and the handcuffs didn’t interfere with this. Also, while we were joined together, neither of us felt the other was taking the other’s individuality away.’
Monica.

Posted in Introduction | Leave a comment

1. Don’t snipe

Posted on January 30, 2019 by Mr Bashful

A spider spun a web between the branch of a tree and Farmer Brown’s barn. Now and then a leaf would fall into the web and tear it, and the spider would cut the silken strands attached to the leaf, and then let the leaf drop to the ground. It would mend the web and return to its position in the centre, and wait.
  It caught the occasional insect and lived.
Another spider nearby spun its web in the barn’s rafters. An owl lived in the barn, and every night it would take flight from the rafters in its search to find food. As it did so its wings would tear the spider’s web. The spider would mend the web, but it had a lot of mending to do. It used a lot of its silk, and it caught fewer insects. Over the weeks it starved, and died.

When I say, ‘don’t snipe’, I’m not suggesting you avoid shooting someone from a concealed position. I am suggesting you refrain from verbally attacking a loved one with petty insults.

  Don’t snipe. Don’t tease. Don’t put someone down. Don’t be sarcastic. Don’t display contempt or disdain. Don’t nit-pick. Don’t punish someone with words.
  If you do, retract it immediately. Don’t brush it off by saying, ‘I was only joking’. Instead, retract the comment and apologise.
If you find yourself sniping, ask yourself why? Do you resent that person? Are you angry with them? What’s going on?
  Discover what the problem is, and address it.
  That’s taking responsibility.

Every time we snipe at someone we cut one of the silken strands binding us to them. We sever a connection with them. If the relationship is an otherwise healthy one, in which there is nurturing and support, we can then repair the break and keep going. Our ‘web’ is not as strong as it could be, but it’s enough.
  But why make work for ourselves?
  If we snipe too often and sever too many silken strands, both we and our partner can lose heart trying to repair those connections. Eventually our web is in tatters. The relationship dies.
  If you want the relationship to die, sniping isn’t the way to do it. It’s weak. It’s immature. Find a responsible way to address the relationship. Either fix it, or end it with dignity. Just don’t snipe.

Don’t snipe at anything you find in the world. Don’t whinge. It’s easy to find fault and to criticise. It may even briefly make you look clever, but if you go through life looking for ways to put something down, you’ll find them. And, pretty soon you’ll find yourself living in a world that you perceive to be universally defective. You won’t enjoy living in a world like that.
  When you look for the good aspects of people, and of life, you’ll find them. And then you will find yourself living in a world in which people appreciate your company. It’s a world you’ll like.

In short, don’t snipe. Do the opposite. Get into the habit of giving at least one genuine compliment a day.
  If you do snipe in any way, retract it immediately and apologise.

Posted in 1. Don't snipe | Tagged , | Leave a comment

2. Be gracious.

Posted on January 27, 2019 by Mr Bashful

If your partner is plainly wrong, or has made a mistake, and it’s not important, let it go. Don’t correct the person. Let it slide. You don’t always have to be right.

‘Wrong cannot afford defeat, but right can.’
Rabindranath Tagore.

Every time we find fault with someone we sever a silken strand. If you can let the little things go without feeling irritated or resentful, do so. Your companion will feel safer in your company, and more relaxed. And feel closer to you.

‘Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor to measure words but to pour them out, just as it is, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.’
Dinah Maria (Mulock) Craik (1826-1887) from her book, “A Life for a Life”, published in 1859.

It might be difficult to refrain at first, but you will get used to it. It can even be liberating at times, because you can feel yourself ‘letting go’.

‘I studied what makes repair attempts work for a couple of years before realising that instead of looking at the person making it, I had to look at the person receiving it: what makes the difference is accepting your partner’s attempt at repair.’
Psychologist John Gottman, telling Alison George of ‘New Scientist’, 29 April, 2006.

Posted in 2. Be gracious. | Tagged , | Leave a comment

3. Tell people what you are feeling.

Posted on January 24, 2019 by Mr Bashful

Get into the habit of telling the person you trust what you are feeling. And when you do it, be specific. Don’t exaggerate.
  By giving a clear picture of what you are feeling, your companion gets to know you better. Misunderstandings are avoided, and the bond between you strengthens.
  When you open up to a person you are not only revealing your humanity, you are acknowledging theirs.
‘I like you.’
‘I’m curious.’
‘I’m feeling apprehensive about this.’
‘I feel impatient.’
‘I feel betrayed.’
‘I feel angry, because . . .’

‘I like not only to be loved, but to be told that I am loved; the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave.’
George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans)

Ensure you don’t blame the other person for how you feel.
‘You hurt my feelings’  Nuh. Try instead: ‘I feel hurt with what you did.’
‘You made me angry.’  Nuh. Try instead: ‘I feel angry with what you’ve done’.
We can blame the person for what they did, but not for how we feel. Even though the other person may have acted abominably, we are the ones creating our distress. That’s not to say it’s our fault we are distressed. We see something, interpret it, and create an emotion.
  The other person creates the situation; we create the distress.
  That doesn’t mean the other person gets away with it, or is free of blame. They are responsible for what they did; we are responsible for the emotions we create about it.
  Once we realise it’s we who cause our distress, we also realise we are the solution to it. We can focus on what needs to happen to feel differently.
  Yes, blame the person for what they did, but not for how you feel.
Lucy: ‘Bill, you have hurt me deeply.’  Incorrect.
Mary: ‘Bill, I feel deeply hurt.’   Correct.
Mary tells Bill what she is feeling, and she will now work on dealing with the pain she feels. Lucy’s words indicate that she believes that Bill is the cause of her pain, which means Bill will have to make amends, or explain himself, or something, before she can feel good again. She has disempowered herself.
  But I digress.
  Express your feelings to someone in the right way.
‘I feel afraid’ is better than ‘You are driving like an idiot.’
‘I feel hurt’ is better than ‘You are a jerk.’
‘I feel impatient’ is better than ‘This is ridiculous.’
In each instance, telling the person what you are feeling gives them a chance to respond to you.  The person can take action to mitigate your distress. However, if you simply call the other person a jerk, they focus on themselves instead. They focus on defending themselves, not on how to make you feel less afraid.
 
This isn’t just about our dark emotions. When you are looking forward to something, or enjoying something, say it. Don’t be cool or offhand. Don’t pretend it doesn’t matter. If you are happy about something, express it. It’s a great way to feel connected.

The key: Get into the habit of letting other people know what you are feeling. That way, you become less of a mystery, and you become closer to the person – not on a romantic level necessarily, but on a human level. Sharing our feelings, our vulnerabilities, brings us closer as humans. We all have fears, joys, disappointments, and when we reveal ours we are effectively saying, ‘I feel this way. I’m telling you because I know you have felt this way as well, and I want you understand what I am feeling. I want you to join me in what I am feeling. Join me, in my pain/my joy. Now. In this moment. Join me.’
  It’s a very human message. Every feeling we share: anger, curiosity, bewilderment . . .  is a human message to say, ‘Please understand me. Join me.’
  Every feeling we share is one more bond towards satisfying our deep need to belong. 

‘One of the reasons people hesitate to share their vulnerabilities is that they fear they will be seen as weak or needy but, in fact, they are allowing themselves to be seen as human.’
Ron Brafman, from Fiona Smith’s article, ‘When it all just clicks into place’, The Australian Financial Review, 30 November, 2010.

Posted in 3. Tell people what you are feeling. | Tagged | Leave a comment

4. Tell the person what you want.

Posted on January 20, 2019 by Mr Bashful

When I say, ‘Tell the person what you want,’ I’m not so much referring to objects or holidays, I’m referring more to the compromises we make in life. If you want a tidier room, tell the person. If you want them to stay home more often, tell them.

Don’t expect to get what you want. But stating your desire improves your chance of getting it, and it also means the other person doesn’t have to guess. One big communication problem many people have is that they expect other people to know what they want.

Don’t let them guess, tell them. Let them feel comfortable in the relationship. They have different priorities, needs and values to you, and could well miss what seems to you obvious. By telling them what you want you could avoid bewilderment on their part, and disappointment and resentment on your part.

Even if you don’t get what you want, you will know where you stand. You won’t have to spend time giving hints, or hoping your needs will be identified, and met. You can focus on what to do next.

Your wants don’t always have to be for yourself. You might say to your companion, ‘I would like you to have . . .’
 
The important thing is: don’t let the other person figure it out for themselves. Identify precisely what you want, and tell them.

Q. ‘Do we also tell someone what we don’t want?’
Yep.

Posted in 4. Tell the person what you want. | Leave a comment

5. Distinguish between wants and needs.

Posted on January 17, 2019 by Mr Bashful

Don’t tell a person you ‘need’ something when you merely ‘want’ it.

Some people tend to use the word ‘need’ to persuade people to give them what they want. That’s unfair and it can be counter-productive, because people don’t like being manipulated. They might resist you.

Furthermore, if you use the word ‘need’ you might end up persuading yourself that you do need it, and give it too much importance.

In short, get into the habit of using both words carefully, and gain a healthier perspective.

Posted in 5. Distinguish between wants and needs. | Tagged , | Leave a comment

6. Say ‘Thank you’ – Part 2.

Posted on January 14, 2019 by Mr Bashful

If you have read the ‘Thank you’ page in the ‘Feed Your Soul’ section, this is Part 2.

Just because we are familiar with our loved ones doesn’t mean we can take them for granted and drop the niceties. They still need to feel valued. A relationship can wane when one person takes the other for granted.
  Avoid that by regularly thanking people for what they do, and by giving them positive feedback.

A parent could say to their spouse:
‘Thanks for taking the kids to soccer every Saturday morning!’
‘I appreciate all the work you did to ensure our dinner party went well. Thanks for that!’
‘Thank you for being a good father/mother to our kids.’

You could say to a parent:
‘Thanks for taking me to soccer . . .’

When we are in the habit of thanking our loved ones and giving positive feedback, we notice more our good fortune. We become less likely to take their contribution for granted, and our positive view of the relationship grows. That makes the relationship more enjoyable, and  our compromises easier to bear.

Every time a loved one does something right (even if it’s expected) acknowledge that contribution by saying ‘Thank you’.

‘I call them the “masters of relationships”. They have this habit of mind where they are looking for things to appreciate. They are looking for things to say, “thank you” about. At the other extreme, the “disasters of relationships” focus on their partner’s mistakes. They are scanning for what their partner is doing wrong.’
Psychologist John Gottman, speaking with Alison George in ‘New Scientist’ 29 April, 06.

Q. ‘I do regularly thank people. But they don’t thank me.’
Ask your loved ones to acquire the habit. Explain why it’s important.
  Whatever happens, don’t you stop thanking them. You will still benefit, and you’re setting an example for them that they might one day follow.

Posted in 6. Say 'Thank you' - Part 2 | Tagged | 2 Comments