Our self-worth.

Posted on March 15, 2019 by Mr Bashful

Partially decayed plant matter in wetlands is called peat. Although it’s found in soggy ground it can catch fire, and it will burn at a temperature so low it doesn’t flame; it smoulders. There are vast underground peat fires in Tasmania that have been burning for decades.
Occasionally the smouldering peat can set alight dry material on the surface, and begin a forest fire.
In past centuries, Northern European cottages would have peat fires burning all year round. Every few hours someone would throw onto the fire another lump of peat. There wasn’t a flame, but the heat generated from the smouldering peat warmed the house and cooked the food.

We were born with a sense of self-worth. It comes with an enormous capacity to absorb love. We have a strong sense of entitlement, and with indignation we demand our mother’s love and attention. It’s an inherent part of being an infant human.
As we grow we come to understand that the world does not revolve around us. In our late teens we no longer need love to grow, and our self-worth can wither, or get a battering. Some people are repeatedly told,‘You’re bad!’or ‘Good girls don’t say those things,’or ‘You’re stupid,’ and worse.

‘Boys are made of slugs and snails, and puppy dogs’ tails.’
A line from an old nursery rhyme.

However, our self-worth remains deep within us, like the peat fire that smoulders away below the surface. We were born with it and it’s always there. We just need to remain in touch with it, to feel its warmth.

‘Self worth . . . cannot be given to you, nor can it be taken away. It can be stomped on, hidden, denied, disbelieved, ridiculed, questioned, showted at, ignored, dobuted and diminished – but it is always there. Waiting.’
  Gay McKinley, ‘On Becoming Good Enough’. Page viii.

Some people can’t feel their inner flame, so they conscientiously absorb barbs and defeats, and lose the ability to absorb love. Although they have far more to offer society than a baby, who can only eat, poo, smile and scream, they don’t feel loveable. Their self-worth is low.
  Why is that?
  Because after our infant years, we are not meant to retain a strong self-worth. It is meant to be fragile. We are meant to feel insecure about what others think of us.
  Why?
  It’s a nice little trick we evolved. Dishearting for the individual, but good for the tribe. See you in the next chapter.

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We evolved to have a fragile self-worth

Posted on March 11, 2019 by Mr Bashful

Imagine you are a member of a tribe. How would you feel if, after days of unsuccessful hunting, you entered the camp with empty arms? Can you picture the group turning their eyes to you in hope, and see their look of hope turn to disappointment, and then to despair, when they find you have let them down?

In hard times, the pressure to pull one’s weight (to contribute) and be appreciated (valued) for that contribution would be enormous. When the tribe turns its eyes to you it means there are expectations of you; expectations you may not be able to meet.

I suspect that as we evolved over countless generations, those fears became innate. I think it’s no wonder many of us fear public speaking. The sight of the tribe’s eyes upon us stirs up primitive fears, primitive responsibilities. Our fear of letting the others down, of being a burden, of being rejected, is almost palpable.

In some Papua New Guinean tribal societies a devastating punishment is to be ostracised. The person is ignored and made to feel invisible. In just a few hours that person can be reduced to a gibbering mess.

‘You are not my sister.’

Ostracism is also a cruel bullying tactic. In England there is a term for it: schoolchildren can bring a child to racking sobs by shunning them, by ‘sending them to Coventry’. Employees refusing to strike are also ‘sent to Coventry’.

If we evolved to fear the tribe’s rejection then it is no wonder much of our behaviour is designed to avoid rejection, and to make ourselves feel wanted, and valued. And, it’s why most of us fear becoming a burden.

If we didn’t care about what people thought of us we would become selfish and uncooperative. Quickly we would be rejected. That would be harsh in today’s society, but millennia ago it might have meant rejection and death.

If I am right, all this means we evolved to feel insecure about what other people think of us. We evolved to have a fragile sense of self-worth. Not a low self-worth, but a fragile one. That ongoing insecurity can manifest as:
– our need for status,
– our inclination to avoid confronting people or earning their displeasure,
– our need to conform (or at least, not stand out),
– our vulnerability to criticism and to ostracism,
– our propensity to ignore twenty compliments yet deeply absorb one insult,
– becoming a workaholic,
– succumbing to peer pressure.

Our insecurity prompts us to do what is necessary to be accepted by others. And, in our efforts to be accepted, our skills and workload improve. The tribe benefits.

I am saying that evolution ‘wants’ us to have a nagging, never ending insecurity because that keeps us striving to contribute on an ongoing basis. That prompts us to instinctively find ways to feel valued: by being good workers, good spouses, valuable teammates . . . and provided people express appreciation for our contribution, we can feel valued. Many people become good and productive people because of their efforts to keep feeling valued.

When we succeed in feeling valued on a sustained level our anxiety diminishes and we feel connected, and help satisfy our deep need to belong. But it’s not easy to feel valued on a sustained level. If it were easy we would have less motivation to keep contributing to the tribe, and that’s not good for us and it’s not good for the tribe. Evolution ‘wants’ us to keep feeling insecure. Yet, we have to be able to ameliorate that insecurity and succeed in feeling valued, otherwise there would be no incentive to strive and be rewarded. It’s a balance, and most of us are on that ‘tightrope’ every day.

But some people do manage to remain in touch with their self-worth, and become self-nurturing. Their self-worth is still fragile, but not so fragile that they feel the need to entertain, or to impress, or to please, or to become dependent on another person’s love. So, how do they manage to retain their sense of self-worth?

See you in the next chapter!

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Feeling loveable.

Posted on March 8, 2019 by Mr Bashful

Despite the countless reminders in life that they are not special, some people manage to stay in touch with their sense of self-worth. As a result, they find it easy to feel valued by ‘the tribe’, even if there is no one around who actually loves them! Just feeling loveable is enough to keep the ‘inner flame’ healthy, because feeling loveable allows us to receive the love we need from anywhere.

How?

Here is a popular excerpt from Margery Williams’s children’s book, ‘The Velveteen Rabbit’, in which toys are talking to one another:

‘What is REAL?’ asked the Rabbit one day. ‘Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick out handle?’
   ‘Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’
   ‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.
   ‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’
   ‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’
   ‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.’
   ‘I suppose you are Real?’ said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.
   ‘The Boy’s Uncle made me Real,’ he said. ‘That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.’

In case you missed the message, it was love which made the Skin Horse real, which gave him substance. And that’s how it is with children.

It’s not enough to tell our kids we love them. They need to actually feel it,  just like the Skin Horse needed to feel its owner’s love to become real. One big way for a kid to feel loved is for its parents to spend time with them. Not watching television together, but actually inter-relating: talking, debating, playing together, doing tasks together . . . or just listening. (Kids need to feel, at least once a day, that someone is actually paying attention to what they are saying.) If every day, for just half an hour, a parent were to switch off the television, tablet and phone, and ignore all other distractions while giving their child undivided attention, their child’s feeling of wellbeing, and behaviour, will improve markedly. (Even if the child already behaves well.) That’s because the child gets to feel ‘real’.

 ‘Beware the unloved, because they will eventually hurt themselves. Or me.’
Actor Jim Carrey.

I suspect it’s the ones made ‘real’ who retain their self-worth into adulthood.

But if we are not one of the lucky ones, and struggle to be in touch with our self worth? What can we do? How can we feel valued on a sustained, day-to-day level, and satisfy our deep need to belong?

I’ve listed five ways in the next five chapters.

Here’s the first.

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1. Be open to receiving love.

Posted on March 5, 2019 by Mr Bashful

So, how do we keep the ‘cottage from going cold’? How do we get in touch, and keep in touch, with our self-worth? How can we reignite or reinforce our self-worth, and add to our feeling of being valued?

By being open to receiving love.

Each and every one of us is ‘wired’ to have the capacity to feel loveable – we needed that wiring as a baby – but to actually feel loveable in our later years we first have to be open to receiving love. And, when we are open to it, we can receive it from anywhere. It’s all around us. We ‘let it in’ when we accept the affection from a family member, friend, lover, pet . . . and when we appreciate a kind act from a stranger, the time someone spends with us, and the smile that says “Good morning”. They are all acts of love, and on some level they remind us that we are worthy. They fuel our self worth.

1. Accept compliments graciously. Each time we bat a compliment away – ‘Oh, thanks, but that’s not really true’ – we are telling ourselves we are not worthy. What a debilitating message!
  Conversely, each time we accept a compliment – ‘Thank you very much!’ – we slowly become accustomed to the vague possibility that maybe, just maybe, the comment has merit, and that perhaps we do deserve some recognition.
  If we accept compliments often enough there will come a day when they mean something, and we think to ourselves, ‘yes, I guess that compliment is valid’ .
 ‘But Mark, I feel uncomfortable accepting compliments. The person giving it might think I’m vain, or self-deluded.’
  Yes, that is what you’re fighting against. By accepting it, you’re stretching your comfort zone. But your job is to accept the compliment, not determine its validity. Even though you feel uncomfortable receiving a compliment, accept it graciously. ‘Thank you,’ is sufficient. It will get easier with practise.
 If you find yourself batting a compliment away, retract your statement and thank the person. ‘No, I accept your compliment. Thank you!’
  ‘But what if the giver of the compliment thinks I am vain or self-deluded for accepting it?’
   They shouldn’t be giving you the compliment in the first place. It’s they who have the problem. If they don’t think you are bright enough to see it’s a patronising compliment, they are underestimating you. They lack perspicacity.
  If the person expects you to bat away the compliment, confound them. Don’t bat it away. Don’t bat  away any of their compliments. Pretty soon that person will stop giving you compliments unless they genuinely believe what they say.
  Whether you think the person is genuine or not, graciously say ‘Thank you’, and pretty soon the only compliments you will receive from that person will be genuine ones.
  ‘If I begin accepting compliments I might become cocky, or big-headed.’
  That’s the fear, isn’t it? By the time you have finally begun to let the compliments ‘in’, you will know which compliments you deserve and which ones you don’t. It’s the people who lack discernment who develop the ‘big heads’. You’re safe.

I’m asking you to learn how to accept love, whether or not you think you deserve it. Succeed in that and you will notice a big difference in your self-confidence.

2. Keep a Compliments Diary.
Every time you receive a compliment, put it in your Compliments Diary. I do. Sometimes when I need encouragement to keep writing this book I read them. They hearten me.
 The very act of including a compliment in your diary will give yourself the message, ‘I earned this compliment and I deserve it.’ That’s a good way to feel valued.
If keeping a Compliments Diary sounds egoistic or self-indulgent, do it anyway.

3. Be gentle with people. When someone likes you it’s because they feel good in your company. Let them continue to feel good in your company by being gentle with them, rather than harsh.
  How do you benefit? By being gentle with other people you will learn to be gentle with yourself.

4. Act as though you love yourself.
In her book, ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’, Brené Brown says we don’t have to love ourselves; we need merely act as though we love ourselves. That’s good enough.
 She’s right. I found a dog and couldn’t find her a home. So, although I didn’t want a dog, I let her stay at my place. I looked after her well because it was the right thing to do: two long walks a day, plenty of pats and encouragement, quality food, visits to the vet  . . . but I didn’t love her. However, I acted as though I loved her. And, because I acted as though I loved her, I came to love her.
  Some arranged marriages work the same way. The participants initially don’t love each other, but if they treat each other well they come to love each other.
  If we treat ourselves well – if we refrain from insulting ourselves, and if we make the right decisions for ourselves . . . if we act as though we love ourselves, that’s good enough. It’s giving ourselves the message that we are worthy of being treated well. That’s giving ourselves a form of love. Each time we retract a self-insult, and each time we make the right choice for ourselves, we get closer to rekindling our own self-worth.

‘I do something for myself every day. It might be picking a rose or putting clean sheets on the bed, or squeezing a juice, or lighting a candle. Small things. But I do them with the awareness and deliberateness that I’m am giving myself, my senses and my body, a gift.’
Gay McKinley, in her book, ‘On Becoming Good Enough’. P109.

In short, the first big tip for feeling valued is to aim to let love in, whatever form it takes. Be open to receiving love, whether or not you think you are worthy of it. There is an infant deep within you that knows precisely what to do with love. It has the capacity to soak it up and feel worthy of every little bit it receives. All you have to do is be the conduit and let that love in. Once you’re in the habit of letting it in, the rest will take care of itself.
  Granted, it’s not easy. But if you apply the tips and succeed in letting love in, you will re-ignite your own self-worth and feel valued. Yes, your self-worth will still always be fragile, but you will have given yourself a big lift in your self-confidence, and added to your resilience.

‘Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.’
Rūmī, 13th-century Persian poet.

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2. Ditch the mask and be yourself.

Posted on March 2, 2019 by Mr Bashful

‘They had connection – as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be, in order to be who they were. You have to do that for connection.’
Brené Brown, from her TED talk, ‘The Power of Vulnerability’.

Q. ‘We often hear the expression, ‘Be yourself’, but what does that mean? Who else are we going to be?’
It means being in touch with what you really are thinking and what you really are feeling, and relating to people on those terms. Your terms.

Most of us are pretty good at being who we are, but some people try to impress others by presenting an image to the world. Why? It might be because they believe their true self is not good enough for public display. The trouble is, if they wear their mask for too long they can lose touch with who they are and what they want from life. Out of touch with their true needs, they pursue professions unsuited to them, or marry someone unlikely to be a ‘soulmate’. 

And, they lose confidence in their true self. After a while feel they have no centre, no substance. They end up feeling powerless, even though they may be in powerful positions. And, they become even fearful that if their true self were to be revealed it would be found inadequate. As a result they live tired, anxious lives, spending much of their energy maintaining their mask.

Further, because they have lost insight into who they really are, no-one else gets to know them either. So, they find it difficult to connect with people on a meaningful level. They can end up feeling isolated, and empty.

Besides, if a person presents to the world an image that doesn’t truly reflect who they are, how can they truly feel heard, or seen?

‘Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.’
Marc Hack.

In short, if you are tempted to create an image for yourself in order to impress people, be careful. Don’t let it dictate the path you take in life. Don’t mislead yourself in your attempts to mislead others.

If you can learn to live with your true self, and present that self to others, you will become more accepting of yourself, and more trusting of yourself and of the decisions you make. And, because you will be on the right path (your path!), that will ground you. You will feel you have substance, and feel safer in the world.

Q. ‘If I’m not feeling confident in a job interview, how would ‘being myself’ – displaying my lack of confidence – help?’
Yes, your lack of confidence might hinder you, and there are steps you can take to nullify that, but your anxiety is not you. It is just an emotion. The real you is the collection of skills, knowledge, attitudes and values you have acquired over your life-time. That lack of confidence in yourself is just you being out of touch with all that.

You will find that when you succeed in ‘being you’, your anxiety will evaporate, because the person you have come to know and trust – you – is the one speaking. And that person (you) knows what you’re talking about.

If you are suited for the job, or for the person you’re dating, then being yourself will enhance your prospects. That’s because you will be connecting with the person on a meaningful level, and letting them get to know you.

Q. ‘Being myself might make me open to persecution or rejection.’
Yes, persecution is a problem. I accept that.
  But rejection? I would have thought someone who succeeds in truly being themselves is far more relaxed, and far more likely to be rejected by those who don’t matter. Would Liberace (a flamboyant piano player) have succeeded if he had donned a mask and appeared ‘normal’?

Q. ‘What about the fashionistas, the ones who try hard to create an image?’
If they are expressing themselves, that’s fine. Or, if they’re a celebrity and it’s part of their ‘branding’, that’s fine too. Good luck to them. It’s when we try to replace ourselves with an image we have a problem, because it means we have stopped trusting who we are.

Q. ‘Could it be that someone presenting an image is just extending their boundaries, hoping to ‘grow into’ the person they’re trying to be?’
That’s alright provided they don’t lose touch with their true self, and don’t become blind to their true feelings. My concern is that if we present an image to others in order to gain their approval, we can end up on the wrong path. Worse, we might lose insight into who we really are and what we want from life.
  ‘I don’t know what path I want anyway.’
  Our path isn’t always clear, but it is still our path. And finding it, and following it, is a big part of ‘building ourselves a person’. Creating an image to impress people will undermine that.

Authentic Self: ‘The authentic self is the ‘you’ that can be found at your absolute core. It is the part of you not defined by your job, function or role. It is the composite of all your skills, talents and wisdom. It is all of the things that are uniquely yours and need expression, rather than what you believe you are supposed to be and do.’
Stephanie Dowrick.

Fictional Self: ‘When you’re not living faithfully to your authentic self, you find yourself feeling incomplete, as if there is a hole in your soul. You may have found that it’s easier to fill the roles your family and friends expect of you, rather than becoming who you really want to be. Living this way drains you of the critical life energy you need to pursue the things you truly value.’
Stephanie Dowrick.

Q. ‘Isn’t it okay to play games sometimes? In the art of seduction, for example?’
Playing healthy games is being authentic. Lying, or creating a façade to deceive, isn’t.

Q. ‘Can I fart in front of a dignitary and claim I’m being authentic?’
Being yourself isn’t about trying to make a statement, or acting on your rights. It’s about being honest with people in what you think and feel, whilst behaving within expected social guidelines.
  When you successfully express what you really are feeling, your need to be a jerk evaporates. ‘Being yourself’ is to honestly express yourself, whereas being a jerk is to act silly because you can’t.

Q. ‘What’s a good way to ‘be oneself’?
Gaining assertiveness skills will make a huge difference to a person who doesn’t have them. Read the section on that, and make a habit of applying those tips.

‘Make a conscious effort to notice moments throughout the day when you’re trying to be someone you’re not. While it’s great to learn from others and copycat things that have worked for them, taking this too far and trying to be them will result in you losing your sense of self and trying to be someone you’re not. Similarly, contorting yourself to meet others’ expectations will erode your individuality, and break your spirit. Don’t do or say things just because another person does or expects you to; source the need to behave that way from within and if it’s not true to yourself, either don’t do it or tailor it completely to reflect your own self.’
From the WikiHow site.

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3. Just two things exist.

Posted on February 28, 2019 by Mr Bashful

We see daffodils as yellow, but a bee will see them differently because they see ultra-violet light. The colour of something depends on the perceiver.

When we watch a movie in a cinema we see a story unfold, but a pigeon sitting next to us would see twenty-four photographs, one after the other, every second. Birds perceive time differently to us. 

We don’t like the smell of faeces, but . . .

Two flies sit on a poo.
 One farts.
 The other says, ‘Do you mind? I’m eating my dinner.’
Unknown.

Every creature creates its own reality. With its senses it selects the data it needs, and interprets that data to suit the organism it happens to be. We humans might see a tree as a source of shade, or a source of income, while a wood-grub might see it as food.

‘To a worm in a horseradish the world is horseradish.’
Unknown.

Humans have different realities from that of bees, pigeons and flies. Do we have different realities from each other?

We sure do. When someone says each person is unique, they are right. Yes, psychologists and advertisers find us predictable, and many of us adopt the same cultural mores and beliefs, and laugh at the same sitcom jokes . . . but dig a little deeper and we find a different story: the multiplicity of the interpretations each one of us can make of the countless diverse events we experience means we really are unique. We are so different from one another that we are like remote islands barely explored, in a vast sea.

Not only are we different from one another, we are alone. Orson Welles once said, ‘We are born alone, we live alone, we die alone.’ He was right. You were born alone, even though your mother was there, the doctor was there and the nurses were there. You were just a blob in your mother’s arms trying to make sense of it all. No one in that maternity ward could have known, or even imagined, what you were experiencing.

As you grew you had to come to terms with your new world, your new life. Your hopes, fears, joys and disappointments were felt by you and you alone.

And no matter how much you love someone, and they you, on a deep and fundamental level you are alone. Not lonely. Alone. Deep within you is an understanding that just two things exist: you, and everything else.

And when it’s your turn to die you might be on your death bed surrounded by loved ones, but it will be just you dying – that’s an experience no one can share.

All this means: each and every one of us is unique and alone on this Earth, and each and every one of us creates our own reality, our own world.

That may sound scary and lonely, but you’re a god! It’s your world, and you’re the boss!

Some people plant a tree and make their world their garden; some people throw a cigarette butt on the ground and make their world their ashtray. Seven billion people: seven billion worlds. Each one unimaginably different. And here’s the point: when someone trolls you, what they say is not reality. It’s their reality. It’s their perception. It’s their world. They are trolling you in their world. You can adopt their perceptions and place them in your world, if you want to, but why would you?

You have little or no control over how others create their world, but you don’t have to adopt their world. We are mere bit players in their world, and they give us little thought, because they are too busy creating their world. Whatever they think about us is fleeting.

Even loved ones close to us give us far less thought than we realise.

One day I watched eight youths play basketball. I noticed that when a player’s attempt to score failed, his teammates did not huff with dismay at his incompetence. They didn’t stop to put their hands on their hips and express their displeasure. Instead, they focused on the ball bouncing off the hoop and they continued with the game. In the same way, people don’t stop to dwell on how stupid or bad they think you might be. If they do think that way, it’s for a second, and then they move on.

Yet some of us can be so caught up in shame it feels like we are a black hole sucking everyone’s thoughts towards us. No. It’s not like that. If someone holds you in contempt, it’s for a second or two at most. They then get bored with the thought and move on.

‘You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realised how seldom they do.’
Olin Miller.

Our big mistake is to assume other people take our world as seriously as we take it. They don’t. They take their world seriously. They focus on their world.

This puts us in a powerful and exhilarating position: if people barely think about us it means we are free. We are not shackled by their thoughts. After all, thoughts cannot shackle us when they last a mere second! So, we might as well ditch any mask we might be wearing and be the person we are meant to be. There is no point in trying to be someone we are not, just to please and impress people, if all we are is a fleeting bit part in their world.

Besides, other people have a limited understanding of our own life experiences, values and attitudes, so why the hell should their point of view matter?

Take charge. Be the person you are and focus on creating the world you want to live in.

‘Trust yourself. Think for yourself. Act for yourself. Speak for yourself. Be yourself. Imitation is suicide.’  – Marva Collins, an extraordinary teacher in the U.S.A.

Further, if each and every one of us creates our own world, it means comparisons are pointless. The choices other people make reflect the world they are creating for themselves. If they choose to travel, or study, or smoke . . . that’s for them. What they do might not suit your world, so why compare? Be pleased for them if you like, but focus on creating your world. If they treat you harshly because your world isn’t like their world, it just means they haven’t yet realised that each one of us is different, and that we have our own journey.

‘Sometimes people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to. It’s not for them.
Unknown.

‘Only I get to decide if I’m humiliated or not,’  said Josephine Georgio, when the media pestered her to feel humiliated after her left breast was accidentally exposed by the singer, Madonna.

Josephine decided that in her world she had not been humiliated. She didn’t care how someone else saw the situation in their world; she only cared about her perception of the situation in her world. And rightly so, because she is living in her world, not theirs.

Josephine resisted the advice telling her to sue Madonna. She dealt with the incident honestly and without avarice. I am so impressed! If Josephine deals with the rest of her life in the same way – not letting others create her reality – she will be taking charge of her life and building herself a resilient person.

We can be like Josephine; we don’t have to let another person’s ‘reality’ create our world.

But sometimes we do. Sometimes we desire people’s approval so badly we pretend to be someone we are not. We try to fit into their world by trying to impress them, and to please them. That’s because we want to be valued. However, it’s the person we are who needs to feel valued, not the person we pretend to be. When the person we pretend to be is valued, our true self gets left behind and remains unseen. And gets ignored. Then, instead of feeling valued, our true self gets to feel shame and self loathing.

The façade we present to the world might feel valued, but it has no substance. It’s a ghost.

‘When we try to get people to like us they like us more than we do.’
Proverb.

In short, don’t pretend to be someone you are not. Don’t sacrifice who you are to be a bit part in another person’s world. You embody your world, so present that world to people when you meet them.

When you do enter the world of another person, bring your real self. Be in their world on your terms. Let the person deal with who you are; don’t be the person they want you to be. That way, you get to create a quality connection with them. They may not approve of you, and you may not feel valued by them, but it will still be a quality connection.

Plus, you will remain self-assured, and grounded.

More importantly, you will value yourself.

I’m suggesting: every time you notice yourself lying, or pretending to be someone you are not, or saying something that goes against your values, stop. Remind yourself that you are in charge of your world and if you are going to grow as a person and create for yourself your best possible world, other people will have to meet you on your terms, not their terms. Search for who you really are, and deal with the situation on your terms.

It’s downright simple: you’re the boss of the world. Act like it.

‘Rather than wondering in disgrace, “What is wrong with me (for being a woman/having dark skin/having no money)?”, we are encouraged to ask, “What might be wrong, unjust or illogical about others for reproving me?”’
Alain De Botton in his book, ‘Status Anxiety’.

Q. ‘If I choose to be polite, doesn’t that mean I am modifying my behaviour to please people?’
In an earlier chapter I said we evolved to care about what people think of us. If we didn’t care, nothing would moderate our behaviour and we would end up being useless to ‘the tribe’ and rejected. Yes, of course, we do have to moderate our behaviour. We need to abide by the basic rules of social interaction when we create our world, otherwise we will become eccentric and isolated. However, even though we abide by those social rules, it’s still our world. If we go for a job interview, or approach someone we like, or speak with a neighbour, we can abide by those basic rules of social interaction while dealing with those people on our terms. Not theirs. If we are to be taken seriously, we have to present ourselves as we are. 

Q. ‘What if I was born to be weird and eccentric? How will being authentic help? Shouldn’t I try to be normal?’
We only become weird when we lose our interpersonal skills. Work on them. (There are chapters in this book about them.)

‘If the goal is authenticity and they don’t like me, I’m okay. If my goal is being liked and they don’t like me, I’m in trouble. I get going by making authenticity the priority.’
Brené Brown, who also wrote: ‘We can only belong when we offer our most authentic selves and when we’re embraced for who we are.’
  Brené is right; we only satisfy our deep need to belong when the real self is valued, not the mask we might present.

Q. ‘You say we evolved to care about what other people think of us. But I know someone who doesn’t care. He does what he wants. On Instagram he once received countless negative comments, and gleefully posted: ‘Look at all these haters, damn I feel good.’
We all care, unless we are deeply wounded. (Some people have been so unloved and neglected that the idea of anyone valuing them is incomprehensible to them. They might grow up unable to care about what other people think of them.)
As for that young man, he might not care about the haters, but I bet he cares about what some people think of him. Besides, if he truly didn’t care about what people thought about him, why is he posting on Instagram, and racking up followers?

Q. ‘You say we are only a bit part in another person’s world. But some people do obsess about other people. Fans of celebrities, for example.’
Even then, those fans are not really interested in the celebrity’s world. They want the celebrity to be a part of their world. The celebrity is just another (adored) part of the jigsaw puzzle that makes up their world.

Q. ‘You say we make our own world. But the ‘data’ we interpret is heavily affected by the natural world of physics and chemistry, and by our relationships. It’s also affected by everyone else creating their realities: the gardeners, the cigarette butt droppers, the good and the bad.’
Yes, but in the circumstances in which we find ourselves, we still get to make the decisions on what we do and on how we respond. We are still the boss, provided we choose to be.

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4. I am better than no one . . .

Posted on February 25, 2019 by Mr Bashful

This is a difficult chapter to write because I don’t know how to convince you (if you don’t already know) that:

‘I am better than no one, and no one is better than me.’

Kim is gentle and kind. A hard worker in a helping profession. Brings out the best in the people. A wonderful spouse and an exceptional parent.

Drew has committed hideous murders. People who meet Drew feel chilled to the bone.

Charlie is filthy and continually drunk. Sleeps in dumpsters. Selfish and self-absorbed.

Alex is the founder and CEO of a successful ethical company. Earns millions, giving most of it to charity. Has nothing to hide.

Jessie is 95 years old and has severe dementia.

Some people are better parents than others, better partners, better tennis players, better workers, kinder . . .  and yet, I cannot see how one person can be a better person than another.

If kind Kim makes the world a better place for others to live in, and serial killer Drew makes it worse, does that mean Kim is a better person? Some would say ‘of course’, but I can’t see it! Though I’d much rather associate with Kim! On every measure, Kim might be better than Drew, but is Kim better than Drew? I can’t see how.

The thing is, it’s not a philosophy. I am not choosing to see people as equals, and I am not choosing to refrain from judging people. I’m often judgmental. I genuinely can’t see how one person can be better than another.

Which is better: a scorpion or a puppy dog? Puppies are smarter and more pleasant to be with than scorpions, but are they better? I can’t see it. I say they’re different creatures and it’s pointless comparing the two. In the same way, human beings are different creatures from one another, and it’s pointless comparing. Yes, I want to avoid the “scorpions” but I don’t see them as inferior.

Can you see my dilemma? I have a deep, intuitive understanding that I am better than no one, and no one is better than me, but I can’t prove it. So, how can I convince you?

“Intuition: an uncanny second sense that tells people they are right whether they are or not.”
Unknown.

Why do I want to convince you? Because for me, understanding that ‘I am better than no one, and no one is better than me’ is liberating! As I write this chapter I realise just how important that knowledge has been in shaping my life, for the better. By not feeling inferior to anyone on the planet, I have been able to be myself. I have not felt the need to seek another person’s approval, nor have I feared their disapproval. People are smarter than I, more talented than I, kinder than I, wiser than I, better at living their life than I . . . but I can deal with all that because I don’t sense they are better than I am. No matter what my failings and non-achievements happen to be – and there are plenty of them – I cannot become despondent, because deep within me is an understanding that I am inferior to no one. That grounds me and it supports me. No matter how far I fall, I can never be lesser than anyone else. What a safety net!

Nor do I feel superior to anyone. But that makes sense, because if I considered myself better than some people I would have to conclude that there are people better than me! Then my world would begin to crumble. I would feel the need to justify my place in the world, and my insecurities would grow to become Godzilla! Then heaven help me! I might even stop living life on my terms.

No thank you!

In short, understanding that I am better than no one, and no one is better than me, is one of the very best things to happen in my life. Regardless of my countless failings, I can never feel lesser. What a relief! Further, if I believe I am on equal terms with everyone, I will always feel connected with humanity. That means I will be satisfying my deep need to belong, bolstering my resilience, and adding to my core happiness.

My tip to you is: somehow come to the understanding that you are better than no one, and no one is better than you. I don’t know how you will come to that understanding, but when you do, many of the fears you have in life will drift away.

You will also come to understand that it’s true: that we really are all in this same boat, in this stormy sea, and we really do owe each other a terrible loyalty.

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5. Don’t live in Wimp City.

Posted on February 23, 2019 by Mr Bashful

The keys in the assertiveness section are invaluable because when we apply them we are sticking up for ourselves. That gives us the powerful message: we are worth sticking up for.

That strengthens our sense of self-worth, and it helps us satisfy our deep need to belong. We add to our resilience.

I urge you read the tips in the assertiveness section and do the exercises (more than once). They will change your life.

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Our need to contribute – Introduction.

Posted on February 20, 2019 by Mr Bashful

We have seen that we have an innate need to contribute to the tribe and feel valued for our contribution. That helps us feel connected with the tribe . . . and with humanity. Then, like a bird within a flock of a thousand other birds, we feel safe. Result: core happiness.

So, how do we satisfy our need to contribute?

It isn’t hard.

I was in a Los Angeles bus when a man next to me began talking to me earnestly about the Kennedy assassination, and lots of other things, all jumbled up. I figured I might as well listen. I failed to understand his underlying message, but let him know I was listening. I could not ask questions because I could not get a word in.

After fifteen minutes the man pressed the button and the bus pulled into the next stop. He stopped talking, looked me in the eye and said softly, ‘Thank you’, and then he got off the bus.

His ‘Thank you’ made me I realise I had given him a gift. I had listened to him. I had listened to him speak on subjects he considered vitally important. It dawned on me that perhaps no-one had actively listened to that mentally ill man for a long time. Why would they? He made no sense.

For a few brief minutes that man had felt he was contributing (telling me something important), and he had felt valued because I had listened. For those few minutes he had felt connected with humanity.

‘Quietly sitting and listening to someone sends a powerful message of acceptance to them. They may feel that the whole world is wrong, but if one person accepts them unconditionally they may begin to feel more accepting of themselves.’
Gary Van Warmerdam.

For six months I had a job in the public service that was so unnecessary I told them they should sack me and get rid of the position. But they didn’t listen. They kept me even though the job was pointless.

As useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.
Australian saying.

I enjoyed the job. The people were a hoot to work with and in some vague way I still felt I was contributing. After all, I was efficient in my pointlessness. When I plonked a pile of completed, useless files on my supervisor’s desk I felt a sense of satisfaction. I felt like the King of Productivity.

All this means: it’s not hard to satisfy our need to contribute. Our effort doesn’t have to be game-changing. The person who feels compelled to compile a collection of blowflies thinks they’re contributing; so does the infant who helps her parents pick tomatoes; and so did that man on the bus who felt he had something important to say. The volunteers, the ardent workers, all feel they’re contributing.

All we need is a little acknowledgment. A few minutes of someone’s time, or a word of thanks. A plaque in a zoo might say: “Tim Smith generously donated this elephant.” But if the zoo didn’t put up that plaque to thank Tim, Tim might take his elephant elsewhere. Tim feels good about his contribution, and the plaque helps him feel that his contribution has not been taken for granted.

You don’t need me to tell you how to make a contribution – that will come to you naturally. But there is one big thing we can do: we can identify our inclinations, and pursue them.

See you in the next chapter.

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Follow your heart, a little bit.

Posted on February 14, 2019 by Mr Bashful

Do you know why a dog likes a walk in the morning and evening? And chase balls? And why it hates to be left alone?
  Yep, it has innate inclinations. Canines evolved the need to hunt at dawn and dusk, chase prey, and be in a pack, and those inclinations manifest as the need to have morning and evening walks, chase balls and want company. They also like explore and play with other dogs. So, if you just stick a dog in a backyard all day you will have a bored and unhappy dog. It’s not satisfying its innate inclinations.

Imagine a tribe that existed more than 100,000 years ago. If everyone in that tribe wanted to weave baskets, and no one wanted to hunt, that tribe would struggle. It would also struggle if everyone in the tribe hunted, and no-one felt inclined to weave baskets.

 But what if some members of the tribe were inclined to hunt while others wanted to weave? What if someone else found seasonal fruit and shellfish because she liked finding patterns in the seasons and the tides? And what if someone felt compelled to work with wood, and invented the canoe? What if a would-be arsonist worked out how to make fire?

That tribe would do well. Any tribe with those skills would function considerably better than a tribe with no diversity.

I claim we evolved to have diverse inclinations. It’s one big reason why we differ so much from one another. It’s why some of us sign up for dangerous missions, or marry the Eiffel Tower, want children, don’t want children, eat light globes, become serial killers, collect matchbox labels, build empires . . . We all know of the nerd who can plot the course of a space probe but can’t change a spark plug, and the boofhead who can’t spell ‘adequate’ but can reassemble a car. The diversity in our interests, skills, appearance, behaviours, sexuality, inclinations . . . is extraordinary.

Some of us get lucky and our talent benefits the tribe. Others, not so lucky. Those of us born with propensities not wanted by society tend to inhibit them, or ignore them. Or are labelled eccentric. Evolution is a loose cannon that doesn’t care about the ‘collateral damage’ it causes because in the long run, diversity works for our species.

When people say ‘he’s not normal’ the irony is he isn’t supposed to be. Our species isn’t meant to be composed of ‘normal’ people. Diversity helps the tribe. ‘Normal’ people are an aberration. Thankfully, normal people are few and far between!

The Iraqi bomb squad often had to defuse an improvised exploding device:
In his book, “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, A photographer’s chronicle of the Iraq war”, Ashley Gilbertson writes: ‘ . . . Lieutenant Majid Mahdi and Lieutenant Hazim Kadhem of the Iraqi police used the one tool at their disposal: speed. Their procedure was simple. They drove to the site, got out of their beaten up pickup truck, and sprinted toward the bomb. The trick, they explained, was to cut the wires before the insurgent responsible for placing the device had a chance to press the button and blow them up.’
  Those two extraordinary men were not not inclined to have this job, obviously, but somewhere in their makeup they had the capacity to do it. They are an astonishing example of our species’ seemingly boundless diversity. Can you imagine?  (Ashley writes: ‘Both Majid and Hazim were eventually killed in separate incidents while the bombs they were trying to defuse exploded.’)

I suspect that each one of us is born with at least one inclination, and a lucky few of us can make a vocation out of it. Others may not discover their inclinations – someone born in the centre of a continent may never discover she was born for the sea. Someone born in a tribal society won’t discover that photography is ‘their thing’.

Even if we know our inclination, we might be thwarted from following it. For millennia, how many women could not explore their interest in a field because they lived in a patriarchal society? How many people were made for a profession but could not afford the education for it?

And, sometimes we have the inclination to do something, but not the talent. Let’s hope André the Giant’s secret passion was not to be a jockey.

Am I suggesting you follow your heart? No. I’m suggesting you listen to it and follow it a little bit. That will be enough. Collecting blowflies might not help the world, but it will feed the collector’s soul. Why? Because logic doesn’t play a big part. If we have the inclination to do something it means we are ‘wired’ to think it’s important. And that’s why when we do it, we feel we are contributing. That’s the important bit.

However, we aren’t necessarily contributing. The world doesn’t need blowfly collectors. People who have inclinations – and that’s all of us – should think carefully before trying to make it their day job. If you feel inclined to follow a path, and have clear job prospects in that field, go ahead. But otherwise, be careful!

An excerpt from a speech given by the late Steve Jobs to the graduating class of Stanford University on June 12, 2005: ‘Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.’

That’s easy for Steve Jobs to say, because he succeeded. But for every successful person who followed their heart, there are countless people who went nowhere. Countless would-be rock stars live in poverty and have no real chance of getting a satisfying job. Countless would-be writers have given up their job to follow their passion and ended up unpublished, poor and disillusioned. Countless would-be sports stars have become never-was-beens, wondering what to do with their lives and wishing they had trained for a ‘proper job’. Countless would-be dancers and singers never made the stage, and ended up, at best, teaching the craft. Teaching is fine, but it was not what they wanted.

When we follow our inclinations we may end up with a blowfly collection, or an invention that shapes the world. Or anything in between. It’s a cosmic lucky dip and it explains the world we see. But we have to be careful.

What can we do?

No one is born with a propensity to reassemble cars. Cars are not part of our evolutionary history. However, we might be born with the propensity to solve puzzles, which can manifest as a propensity to reassemble cars. No one is born with genes prompting them to gaze at the stars, but they might be born with genes that prompt them to look for patterns, and that propensity can manifest in the study of stars, or of the seasons, tides or strategies. We are not born with a propensity to weave baskets, but we might be born with the inclination to work with our hands, which can manifest as basket weaving, or as model making or calligraphy, or a hundred other vocations.

I’m suggesting you find your basic inclinations and examine them. And look for a realistic job that will make use of your inclinations. Don’t blindly follow your heart and focus on becoming a rock star, sports star or celebrated poet. Focus on discovering the root inclination itself, and figure out ways you can make it pay.

I like to think schools help students in discovering their inclinations, and guide them into suitable vocations.

Smart employers, if they can, find niches that suit their employees’ strengths.

Discover your inclination, and with that inclination in mind get educated as an apprentice, or a student, or intern, or whatever. End result: you will satisfy your need to contribute AND provide yourself with a satisfactory job and income. You’re going to need money in life. Money is a wonderful thing provided it doesn’t corrupt you. It gives you food and shelter, it helps you find a partner and raise a family, it lets you have pleasures, and it helps you give yourself dignity.

Being a rock star is not part of our evolutionary history. You have an inclination and that inclination is manifesting as the need to be a rock star. Find a way to express that same inclination so that it pays.

Am I saying you can’t try to be a rock star? No, I’m saying: be in a rock band in your leisure time. If you end up as popular as AC/D or the Beatles, then think about giving up your day job. Not before.

Q. ‘I want to be a vet.’
That’s good. It’s a job that pays. Still, examine that inclination. What is it that you really want from being a vet? Write it in detail. Don’t settle for something glib like, ‘I want to help animals.’
  By the way, when you find a way to express your inclination that pays, it can get scary. Collecting blowflies is easy because we succeed with every blowfly we find, but aiming to be a vet, for example, might be daunting. The journey down that road can stretch long into the distance. You may find reasons to stay in your comfort zone and avoid taking those steps. But if you want to be a vet, keep pushing. Persist.

Q. ‘What if we can’t find that special job that suits our inclination?’
We have within us other inclinations, and if we can satisfy them some of the time, that can be enough. An uninspiring job, for example, might make use of our other propensities just enough to make it palatable. There is even an expression for that: we make the best of it. 
  And, of course, we can set aside a few minutes each night to pursue our interest.
 ‘Mark, I want to climb mountains. I can’t do that every night for five minutes.’
  You were not born to climb mountains. It just feels that way. You were born with an inclination, and climbing mountains is just one possible manifestation of that inclination. I suggest you find the deeper, more pervasive force that’s driving you. Who knows, you might find another, more practicable way to satisfy the feeling. One that pays, even!
  ‘I don’t have even five minutes. I have a family to support. I live in the real world.’ 
Being the person you are meant to be IS the real world. That’s when life becomes real.

Author Graham Greene fed his soul: ‘Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.’

Q. ‘Even if we follow our heart, that doesn’t mean we will be good at what we do.’
It’s the journey which matters. I wrote this book knowing I would struggle to find a publisher. But I needed to write it. The journey has been a significant contributor to my core happiness. The only way I could have failed was to have ignored my compulsion to write it.

‘When you do things from your soul you feel a river moving in you, a joy.’
13th century Persian philosopher, Mawlana Jalal-ad-Din Rumi.

Q. ‘My inclination is to play video games.’
Yes, you have an inclination to play. Focus on your inclination to DO. Create, don’t gawk at someone else’s creation. Be the doer, not the watcher. Don’t just play video games, design them.

Q. ‘My inclination is to sing.’
Ask yourself: is it the singing which appeals? Or is it the fame? The glamour? The attention?
  Although we need to avoid being corralled into working in a career we don’t want, we also need to avoid fooling ourselves into choosing a profession for the wrong reasons. We need to know if our choice is based on novelty, or on jealousy, or on ego. We need to be aware of the difference between ‘that sounds like fun’ and our true vocation.

‘. . . any path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question. This question is one that only a very old man asks. My benefactor told me about it when I was young, and my blood was too vigorous for me to understand it. I will tell you what it is: Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say that I have traversed long, long paths, but I am not anywhere. My benefactor’s question has meaning now. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn’t, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere: but one has a heart, the other doesn’t. One makes a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will  make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.’ 
Carlos Castaneda, in his book, ‘The Teachings of Don Juan’.

Q. ‘I have interests I’d like to follow in my spare time, but people will think I’m eccentric.’
It’s the eccentric ones who change the world.
  Anyway, no-one gives a damn. If someone thinks badly of you it’s for about two seconds, and then they’re thinking about something else. They become bored with the thought and move on.
  Think about it: when you think badly of someone, do you dwell on the thought? Or do you quickly move on, not wanting to waste your thoughts on the person?
  It works the other way, too. If someone thinks highly of you it’s only for a few seconds, and then they think their next thought.
  Instead of worrying about what people think of you, remind yourself that people spend mere seconds evaluating you and then ‘poof’, it’s gone. It’s so transitory it’s not worth worrying about. You have the freedom to focus on satisfying your inclinations, to be the person you are meant to be.

Exercise.
To discover your inclinations, follow the thread of what you like. Someone who works in a bank might find themselves drawn to customer relations, or accounting, or finance . . .
  Do you have a hobby, an interest? Follow it.
  And answer the following questions. You don’t need to be realistic with your answers. Be bold. If your answer seems absurd, don’t censor it. Look a little deeper. For example, if your answer is that you want to be an astronaut, acknowledge it and look deeply into why you want to be an astronaut. Then search for other ways to satisfy that inclination.
1. If you could meet a world expert, in what field would the expert be?

2. In which pleasurable activities do you concentrate so much you lose track of time?

3. If you knew for certain you would succeed, what would you attempt to do?

4. When do you feel passionate about what you are doing?

The book, ‘What Colour Is My Parachute?’ has helped many people answer the above questions. Most libraries have it.

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