Look for the part you played when something goes right in your life.

Posted on April 10, 2019 by Mr Bashful

Remember our Japanese weather forecasters who were required to explain why their predictions were wrong? Well, they may also have been asked to explain why their accurate predictions were right! Because by doing so – by looking for what they did right – they could have further enhanced their strengths.
     When something goes right in our life and we search for the things we did right, and find them, we get a confidence booster. Plus, we increase our chances of doing it the right way next time. We feel confident and capable, and add to our inner authority.

When a project goes well, look for why. Be thorough. With each item you find, congratulate yourself.

Janice organises a barbecue and it goes well. She writes a list of the things that went well.

‘I anticipated problems other people might not have thought of. I was thorough!’

‘I took into account the possibility that the kids might become bored, and was ready for it. Good thinking!’

‘I made arrangements so that if it rained, the day wasn’t ruined. That’s a professional approach!’

‘I didn’t exceed the budget. That’s disciplined and responsible behaviour.’

‘I was diligent in topping up their drinks – that’s what a good host does.’

In short, make a written list of the things you did right when you successfully complete a project. But be warned: don’t also look for what didn’t go right, or for ways you could have done it better. They are good things to do, but not now. Right now, your job is to list everything you did right.    
    Do that and you will discover you are more skilled, and more capable, than you thought you were! You might even uncover skills you didn’t know you had.
     Doing this will significantly boost your confidence and competence for your future endeavours. And, it’s another big step towards developing that feeling that whatever happens, you’ll handle it.

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Become unbreakable.

Posted on April 9, 2019 by Mr Bashful

A compass will point to Magnetic North unless it’s broken or influenced by a magnet. But what if you had a compass that, no matter what you did to it, always pointed to Magnetic North? What an extraordinary and reliable compass that would be.
     In the same way, what if your own moral compass were so unbreakable it could lead you to act honestly in life, regardless of any pressure to be dishonest? How powerful would you feel if you knew that you could rely on yourself to do the right thing, midst any circumstances?
     A strength like that would spread to other areas of your life. You would trust yourself and your decisions, because your direction would be clear to     you. Yes, in life we make mistakes, we say the wrong thing, we make bad decisions – but you would know that beneath those blunders, those awkward words, those poor choices, was a moral compass steering you in the right direction towards that ultimate goal you have set for yourself: to build yourself a person.
     It’s then you realise that those countless blunders you make in life, and all those little faults you have, don’t matter. They’re just speed-humps. White noise. Unimportant. They don’t matter the proverbial hill of beans.

‘When you think of the long and gloomy history of Man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.’    
C.P. Snow.

Philip Zimbardo’s experiment.
In 1971, Stanford University professor Philip Zimbardo used a university basement as a mock prison. Twenty-four students took the roles of prisoners or guards. After six days Zimbardo had to stop the experiment because some guards had become sadistic, and a few prisoners had become severely stressed or depressed.
     Guards had forced the prisoners to sleep on a concrete floor, refused to let them urinate or defecate, and sexually humiliated them. Just for starters.
     The prisoners had felt so powerless they could do nothing about their situation. They could not even leave the experiment because in their minds they had become real prisoners.

‘Any of us could be seduced to cross that line between good and evil. Most people are good people most of the time and we’d like to believe that we always are, and we never could cross that line. My research . . . leads me to conclude that most people under specified conditions, where there is dehumanisation at work, anonymity, diffusion of responsibility . . . can be drawn across that line and do things they could never imagine themselves usually doing.’    
Dr Philip Zimbardo, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at Stanford University. (Interviewed by Natasha Mitchell on the ABC’s Radio National’ program, “All in the Mind.”)

There are questions about how well Zimbardo’s experiment was conducted, and about the merit of the conclusions made. But even if both Zimbardo’s and Milgram’s experiments are found to be useless, the key in this chapter still applies.

The Stanley Milgram experiment.
You, the reader, agree to participate in an experiment and are told that whatever happens, you will be paid for just turning up. 
  You go to a warehouse and meet another applicant. An officious man in a white coat appears and pays you both. Unbeknownst to you the other applicant is an actor, a confederate. You both draw straws to decide which of you is to be the “teacher” and which is to be the “learner” but the draw is rigged so that you become the “teacher”.  You watch the “learner” being strapped to a chair and have electrodes attached to his wrist.
  You are led to a different room in which stands a fake electric shock generator with a row of 30 buttons. Each button ‘gives’ 15 volts more than the button preceding it. The last button ‘gives’ 450 volts. The buttons exceeding 180 volts are marked as dangerous, although you are assured the “learner” will receive no permanent tissue damage.
  With a microphone and a list of questions you ask the learner (supposedly strapped to his chair) the questions. Every time he gives a wrong answer you are to press a button and give him a shock, increasing the voltage each time. (Of course, no shock is given, but you hear a pre-recorded gasp or scream to let you think the learner is in pain.)
  The learner gets answers wrong and pretty soon you hear him screaming for mercy, but the stern man in the white coat standing behind you urges you on. ‘You must continue!’ he insists. His job is to insist you persist with experiment. He, the “supervising professor”, assures you he takes full responsibility.
  So, you persist. At 315 volts you hear a blood curdling scream and then nothing.  You ask another question and receive only silence. You are told to interpret this as a wrong answer, so you press the next button. There are six questions to go. You continue to hear nothing after asking each question, so you keep increasing the number of volts. Finally, on the sixth question, you give him the maximum voltage. The experiment is over.

In 1961, forty people were tested in this way by Assistant Professor of psychology, Stanley Milgram. The experiment was to ascertain how normal people can commit atrocities.
Milgram, and the rest of the interested world, were shocked by the results. Most of the 40 volunteers gave the maximum (would-be fatal) voltage. Only one person refused to continue when they reached the 255 volt level.
     Over time, a thousand people were tested in varying ways, by different universities, and the results were in line with those of the first experiment.
In other words, 65% of us would knowingly give a fatal dose of electricity to another person if a stern man in a white lab coat insisted upon it!
   This suggests that ordinary people can become torturers and killers if someone in authority tells them to act that way.
     Would you have given that dangerous dose (exceeding 180 volts)?
     No?
     You might be right. Bear in mind that beforehand, every one of those volunteers probably would have said ‘no’ as well.

‘The person who, with inner conviction, loathes stealing, killing and assault, may find himself performing these acts with relative ease when commanded by authority. Behaviour that is unthinkable in an individual who is acting on his own may be executed without hesitation when carried out under orders.’    
Stanley Milgram.

What were the attitudes of the people who pressed the buttons?
Many were interviewed later. Most did not regret being participants. The participants who pressed every button, including the 450 volts button, justified their actions by saying they weren’t responsible. They took the attitude, ‘I was just following orders’. Of the person receiving the shocks they thought along the lines of:‘He agreed to it, and therefore must accept responsibility.’
  One of the few people who stopped relatively early (at 255 volts) was asked who was responsible for shocking the learner against his will. His reply: ‘I would put it on myself entirely.’ He refused to assign any responsibility to the learner or to the man in the white lab coat.

One subject interviewed months later said: ‘. . . he (the man in the lab coat) said, “Just continue”, so I give him (the learner) the next jolt. And then I don’t hear no more answer from him, not a whimper or anything. I said, “Good God, he’s dead; well, here we go, we’ll finish him.” And I just continued all the way through to 450 volts. . . . I figured: well, this is an experiment and Yale (University) knows what’s going on. I’ll go through whatever they tell me to do . . . Well, I faithfully believed the man was dead, until we opened the door. When I saw him I said “Great, this is great.” But it didn’t bother me even to find that he was dead. I did a job.’
His wife later asked him, ‘Suppose the man was dead?’ He replied, ‘So he’s dead. I did my job.’

Q. ‘Why did the people give the fatal electric shocks because a man in a white lab coat insisted upon it?’
Possible reasons:
▪We feel obliged to honour an agreement, to keep a promise.
▪When we lose ourselves in the rules we can lose sight of the big picture.
▪We want to prove we can do a good job.
▪If someone else is prepared to take responsibility, we abrogate ours.
▪We respect science and don’t want to interfere with an experiment.
▪When we choose to see ourselves as ‘instruments’ we can cede responsibility.
▪When someone uses firm assertiveness skills on us we can be easily manipulated.
▪We forget that just because someone accepts responsibility it does not mean they will act responsibly.

‘Legalistic thinking asks only “what am I permitted to do?” whereas truly moral thinking asks “what would be the right thing to do?’ 
Julian Baggini.

    What am I suggesting? I’m suggesting that we strengthen our moral compass by being disobedient, in a healthy way. That is, being disobedient in order to do the right thing.
     There are times in life when we experience peer pressure, or pressure from authority, to behave in ways unbecoming. We might be asked to lie, or cheat, or turn a ‘blind eye’. Some of us give in to the pressure, afraid of being perceived as a troublemaker. We don’t want to ‘make a fuss’; we don’t want feel ‘different’. (Our deep need to belong is strong.)
     In the early 2000’s, some staff members in the Department of Queensland Health let another staff member fraudulently steal millions of dollars. He didn’t follow the protocols but it is hard to say ‘no’ to someone you trust. But in that department it was their job to say ‘no’. Procedures need to be followed, and the staff ignored those procedures. They were more interested in appearing agreeable than in protecting the department’s money.
      At least, that’s how I understand the situation.
     Their decisions gave them short-term satisfaction. After all, it feels good to be helpful. But it prompts the question: how many foolish decisions might any of us make because we want to appear agreeable? How often do we suspect we are being cheated by tradies, by financial advisors, or by sales staff, but instead of asking questions, or declining, we succumb, afraid of being considered disagreeable? How often do people refuse to discipline their children, afraid of being considered intolerant? How often do we agree with something just to fit in? How often do we let a racist joke slide because we don’t want to appear prudish?
     Of course, I’m only guessing. I haven’t met the negligent staff of that department. I might be wrong to assume that if they had been presented with Milgram’s button they would have pressed it to the highest voltage, and kept pressing until their fingers had blisters. And come back next day to press it again.    
  Instinctively we know right from wrong. If we want our lives to have depth and substance, we need to be the type of person who would not push Milgram’s button.
  If we can resist the pressure to seek other people’s approval, and instead do the right thing, then in the long run, we benefit. We develop the ability to see the big picture, and gain a clearer picture of what matters in life. With that knowledge we make sharper life decisions.
  The benefits are long-lasting and pervasive.

‘Conformity is doing what everybody else is doing, regardless of what is right. Morality is doing what is right regardless of what everybody else is doing.’
Author unknown.

  When we can think and act for ourselves, unswayed by adverse pressures, we can resist the collective beliefs that might guide others into behaviours that are meaningless and unfulfilling. We can make sure our lives mean something.
     And, we develop a mental toughness.
     Some professionals take advantage of our politeness by overcharging, hoping we don’t object. If we have developed the courage to be undaunted by their authority, we can  discuss the matter with them.
     Instead of blindly following our doctor’s recommendations, we will have the courage to question the treatment.
     My Aunt refused to hire a financial advisor more focused on his commissions than on her retirement. He was a ‘guilt-tripper’, but she had the courage to say no.
  When we learn to be disobedient, or to question authority, we can avoid being cheated, or misled, or corrupted. Politicians, for example, might cross the floor rather than vote for legislation they don’t agree with. Company directors could act on irregularities instead of ignoring them.
     It’s about resisting pressure.
     By speaking up we might ignore our ‘deep need to belong’ and feel anxious as a consequence. It’s scary to stand up and say no! But in the long run, having the ability to resist pressure and say ‘no’, and having the capacity to ask questions of someone in authority,  will allow us to feel powerful and in control of our life.
     When we strengthen our moral compass, (so that it can in turn then strengthen us), we reduce our capacity to become anxious in the first place. And that’s the aim of this book.
     An added bonus: we discover that we can rely on ourselves. It’s a good feeling.

 ‘. . . every single breakthrough occurred because somebody decided to do something new. That first person’s actions ‘gave permission’ to others – if only to do what they already wanted to do.’
John-Paul Flintoff, How to Change the World.

To stand against expectations and say ‘no’ is scary in the short-term, but having the ability to resist pressure and say ‘no’, and having the capacity to ask questions of someone in authority,  will in the long-term allow us to feel powerful and in control of our life. That leads to less anxiety, and to emotional resilience.

‘Disobedience is taking charge of your own life; when you take over from a greater authority.’
Garrison Keillor, speaking to Ramona Koval on ABC Radio National’s ‘The Sunday Book Show’.

Q. ‘When we stand up for what is right we usually fail.’ 
It’s the act of standing up which is important. It’s that act of defiance which adds to our inner authority.

 ‘. . . freedom is, by definition, people realizing that they are their own leaders.’
Diane Nash, quoted by John-Paul Flintoff in his book, How to Change the World.

Q. ‘Isn’t this about being assertive?’
It’s more than being assertive. I imagine many of the subjects who ‘electrocuted’ people in Stanley Milgram’s experiment could be assertive. I’m talking about the specific ability to question authority and say no. (Of course, assertiveness skills help with that.)
     Practising disobedience is a key to resilience because every time we think for ourselves, we take responsibility for how our life unfolds. We realise we can rely on ourselves. That strengthens our belief that whatever happens, we will handle it.

Whistleblowers are disobedient to authority.
A whistleblower is a person who reveals dishonest activities in an organisation. The benefits gained from whistleblowing, from exercising a strong moral compass, might be outweighed by the consequences. People have suffered terribly after being a whistleblower. They have lost their jobs, been sued, and been ostracised. I don’t know why they are not supported. I would have thought we’d be giving them medals.
     If you are an Australian and do choose to be a whistleblower, try this website: whistleblowers.org.au

‘It’s not what a lawyer tells me I may do; but what humanity, reason and justice tell me I ought to do.’  
Edmund Burke, Second Speech on Conciliation, USA, 1775.

Things we can do in daily life to develop that ‘disobedient’ streak:
1. We can practise the other tips in this book, so when the time does come to be disobedient we are prepared. For example, don’t lie, admit your mistakes, and apologise when necessary.
  So, when someone asks us to lie about our age to get a discount, for example, we are ready to refuse to do so.

2. We can get into the habit of questioning experts, and people in authority. That doesn’t mean becoming a troublemaker. It means: get into the habit of asking a question. That’s all. Ask your doctor to clarify a matter. Ask the builder why it’s done that way. It’s all good practice for a time when it is necessary to question the experts, the tradies, the sales person, the solicitor, the financial advisor . . . or any professional who might be more interested in your money than in you.

3. Break the law. There are many examples of the law not getting it right. Instead of mindlessly complying with a bad law, we can consult our moral compass instead.

‘Rules are abstractions for controlling behaviour and eliciting compliance and conformity – challenge them when necessary: ask,
▪ who made the rule?
▪ what purpose does it serve?
▪ who maintains it?
▪ does it make sense in this specific situation?
▪ what happens if you violate it?’
Dr. Philip Zimbardo, Emeritus Professor of psychology at Stanford University, USA.

The last word: One day you will find yourself asked to perform an unethical task. Many people would give in to the pressure. Will you be one of those people?

 

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Resisting peer pressure

Posted on April 8, 2019 by Mr Bashful

‘Confidence is not “they will like me”; confidence is “I’ll be fine if they don’t”.’
Author unknown.

You are a male college student in the Swarthmore College, U.S.A..You and seven other students have agreed to participate in a task examining perception.
     All eight of you are shown a card with a vertical line on it, and another card with three vertical lines on it marked A, B and C.

(Diagram and some of the information from the Simply Psychology site. McLeod, S. A. (2008). Asch Experiment. Retrieved from http://www.simplypsychology.org/asch-conformity.html)

One at a time, each of you has to say out loud which of A, B or C is the same length as the line on the other card. You, the reader, sit at the end of the table so you are always the last student to respond.
     In the first trial all eight of you agree that line C is the answer.
     In the second trial another pair of cards is presented and all eight of you agree that line B is the answer.
     In the third trial two more cards are presented and the other seven students seem to get the answer wrong.
     Do you:
(i) give what you believe to be the correct answer, or
(ii) do you assume the other students can see something you can’t, and give the same answer they’re giving?
     Most of you reading this will plunk for (i). But would you have been so sure if you had been the subject of the real experiment?
     In Solomon Asch’s 1951 experiment there were 18 pairs of cards; 18 trials. The other students unanimously gave the wrong answer 12 times.
     As you have probably guessed, the other seven participants were confederates purposely giving wrong answers. The experiment was not about perception, it was about conformity. Asch wanted to see if people ignored their better judgement to avoid contradicting seven other people. Would they give wrong answers when people around them were also giving what seemed to be wrong answers?
     In Asch’s experiment only 25% of the students tested always resisted the pressure to conform, and gave the correct answer in each case.
     With all the experiments added together (with variations) one third of the students felt compelled to give the wrong answer!

How often in life have you conformed at the expense of what was right? Have you smiled at a racist joke to humour the joke teller? Have you watched someone insulted, or bullied, and said nothing? Have you pretended to understand a joke so as not to look foolish? Have you pretended to understand a word you didn’t know, so as not to look stupid?
     I know I have.
     If conforming is a habit we have a problem. We have ceased to be the driver of our life. We have ceded our power, and handed the wheel to someone else.
     To address that problem we need to become disobedient, when it matters, not just to authority, but to our friends and colleagues. The best way to do that is to learn how to resist another person’s pressure.

What can we do to resist pressure?
Your colleagues are about to do something wrong and have invited you to join them:

1. If you feel pressure, recognise it. Ask yourself: ‘Are they trying to manipulate me?’     If the answer is yes, say to yourself, ‘I’m being pressured here.’ (Yep, label it.)
     It’s all about awareness. Once you realise you are being pressured you can begin to make sharper decisions. You can give yourself permission to be disobedient.

‘Just being aware that you have that vulnerability is the single best protection against it happening.’   – Dr. Philip Zimbardo.

2. Switch on your Bullshit Detector.  ‘Is this wrong? Is it stupid? Does the other person’s moral compass measure up? Is my moral compass in better working order?’
(If you think was is being suggested is wrong, others will too.)

3. Remind yourself of the Milgram experiment and of how easily we can be coerced.

4. Understand yourself.  ‘Am I about to comply because I want to be liked? Do I want to fit in? Do I want to avoid feeling small?’   
    If the answer is ‘yes’, remember:
     ▪     You will be seen as weak if you do give in. (They won’t show it though.)
     ▪     You will earn their respect if you don’t give in. (They won’t show it though.)
     ▪     If you succeed in saying ‘no’ you will feel good about yourself. And, you will have increased your capacity to say ‘no’ in the future.

‘When you conform to other people’s expectations they like you more than you do.’
Unknown.

5. ‘Is everyone else going along with this idea?’
‘Who isn’t going along with it? Will I comply because so many others are doing it? If so, when will I begin to make my own decisions?’
    If I think it’s wrong, someone else will too. Perhaps they will support me?

6. ‘Can I refuse?’
     ▪     Do I value the moral compass I’m making for myself?
     ▪     Can I find other people saying ‘no’ and garner their support?
     ▪     Can I practise my assertiveness skills? After all, I am not obliged to justify my position or solve their problem. I can just say: ‘No. Not interested.’ Or, ‘No, this is what I want.’ Or, ‘I understand what you are asking me to do, but no.’

7. Can I talk with someone about this?

8. Can I assist a friend experiencing peer pressure? Can I declare firmly, ‘I’m with him, and we’re saying no!’

Become a legend. As D’Arcy Lyness, from the kidshealth.org website says: ‘. . . often it just takes one person to speak out or take a different action to change a situation. Your friends may follow if you have the courage to do something different or refuse to go along with the group. Consider yourself a leader, and know that you have the potential to make a difference.’

From Sarah Edelman’s book, ‘Change Your Thinking’:
‘The problem is that sometimes, in order to be genuine or to express ourselves honestly, we need to say or do things that might set us apart. It may be that we take a stand against a prevailing point-of-view, choose not to go when everyone else is going, choose not to laugh when we do not think something is funny or choose not to care if we do not think it matters . . . Of course, sometimes it is appropriate to compromise – it may be perfectly valid to do things that we do not particularly want to do, out of consideration for others. However, at times it is important to express ourselves honestly, even if this means standing out from the crowd.’

Q. ‘Do we conform often?’
More often than you realise. You might, for example, be influenced by the laugh track on a television comedy. Producers use them for a reason. Although that’s not important, it does indicate that we humans are more suggestible than we realise.

Q. ‘It’s hard to resist pressure sometimes. Whether I like it or not, I am concerned about what others think of me.’
No matter what you have said or done, people think about you for mere seconds. People dwell on matters pertaining to their lives, they don’t dwell on you. They have their own concerns, their own life. You would be surprised how little people think about you.
     ‘That’s hardly encouraging!’
     It’s liberating! Once you realise how free you are of other people’s scrutiny, you can feel free to live your life the way you want to live it.
     ‘But none of us want to stand out, even for mere seconds.’
     Yes, when we stand out we feel disconnected and vulnerable, but we also find that the world doesn’t end. And, we know we are standing out for the right reasons. We know we would be respected by those we respect. So, we connect with them. Therefore, in the long-term, we benefit. By allowing ourselves to ‘stand out’ for the right reasons, we gain belief in ourselves and in the decisions we make. We add to our inner authority.     

‘The stronger and more wide-ranging our need for approval, the more prone to anxiety, depression and poor self-esteem we become. In addition, we are more likely to behave in self-defeating ways – trying too hard to impress or please others, and always putting our own needs last. Paradoxically, this behaviour frequently has the opposite effect to what we are trying to achieve – people sense our desperation and sometimes treat us like the second-class citizen that we present ourselves to be.’
Dr. Sarah Edelman, in her book, Change Your Thinking.

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The one true freedom.

Posted on April 7, 2019 by Mr Bashful

In the Second World War millions of people endured unimaginable horror and suffering before being exterminated in the Nazi concentration camps. Viktor Frankl was one of the fortunate few who survived. Here is an often quoted passage from his book, ‘A Man’s Search For Meaning’:

‘We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.’

The people Viktor Frankl wrote about didn’t allow their circumstances to form their attitude to life. Rather, they chose their attitude despite their circumstances. That doesn’t mean they could choose their emotions – they were enveloped in suffering, horror and death, but they could still choose their attitude towards their circumstances, which indicates not everything was taken from them. While they lived they would have not felt completely powerless.

I’m not suggesting we aim to be like those brave people, or develop a ‘stiff upper lip’, or adopt an attitude. I am merely acknowledging that we all possess that one true freedom.

‘There were men . . . whose behaviour in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost . . . It is this spiritual freedom – which cannot be taken away – that makes life meaningful and purposeful.’
Viktor Frankl, from his book, ‘A Man’s search for Meaning’.

Of his experience as a prisoner of war on the Thai-Burma railway during World War II, Ian Denys Peek recalls: ‘ . . . there are men who have gone into the cholera compound of their own accord to bring such comfort as they can. They know full well that they will not be allowed to leave until the cholera outbreak has cleared, and that there is a big risk of being infected and dying while inside. There are also many helpers who have survived an attack, and have voluntarily stayed there to be with their mates.’
From ‘One fourteenth of an Elephant’, by Ian Denys Peek.
Although Ian describes brutal conditions his book is about courage and survival.

‘. . . “attitude” reminds me of how a plane approaches air currents. When confronted by strong currents, we need to adjust our attitude so as to effectively move toward our destination. This doesn’t mean we can fly through every possible storm wind, but it should mean we adjust to give ourselves a chance to move forward if forward is possible. If we shut down and let the wind throw us about, we could suffer greater harm.’
Reader, Barxalot Howler

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Why do soldiers get fit?

Posted on April 6, 2019 by Mr Bashful

My uncle Alan was in World War II and one day he asked me, ‘Mark, why do you think the Armed Forces train their soldiers to be fit?’
     I shrugged. ‘To fight. To endure hard slogs. To carry huge backpacks around.’
     He nodded. ‘Yes, that’s important, but there is one other reason: if a soldier feels strong and fit he starts to feel invincible.’
     ‘But no soldier would think he was invincible, surely?’ I said. ‘He would know that bullets could kill him.’
     ‘Yes, he would know that,’ my uncle said patiently, ‘but on some level he would feel invincible. That’s important when you have to be brave. It could make the difference between being able to fight and being paralysed with fear.’
     Uncle Alan died years ago but his words still ring true. Yes, feeling invincible would reduce anxiety.
    
I exercise regularly, and as I get fitter and stronger I feel just a tiny bit invincible. It’s not that I think I am invincible; it’s just a feeling. I feel less physically vulnerable.
     Commonsense tells me that if I were beaten up by a gang of thugs, or hit by a car, I’d suffer the same injuries regardless of how fit and strong I might happen to be. But to me it feels as though I would fare better.
     That would apply to most of us. If we feel stronger and fitter than we have previously, we also acquire a little bit of that ‘invincibility’ feeling, even though commonsense says otherwise.
     It’s not about becoming physically resilient, it’s about feeling physically resilient, because that feeling of ‘invincibility’ adds to our core happiness.

The happiness experts say exercise can make us happy. They are right, for the wrong reasons. Exercise produces endorphins and encephalins, the happy hormones, that make us feel good. But those chemicals are temporary; they don’t add to our core happiness.

‘The naturally produced brain chemicals, called the endorphins and encephalins, are released in times of stress. They can make a mangled accident victim as serene as a Buddhist monk, and they can also make an athlete feel great after an extremely vigorous workout. The latter effect is sometimes referred to as the ‘runner’s high’, and the post-exercise surge in endorphins helps to explain why many exercisers seem to become addicted to their sport. Their workouts become ‘fixes’ which mask the pain of everyday living, and even injuries or illnesses can’t stop the training process because the athlete is relentlessly searching for endorphin-induced mood elevations.’
From the Peak Performance website.

Not everyone gets endorphins. It depends on your genes. Some people exercise and feel good afterwards while others, like me, feel nothing but exhaustion. (Though I still exercise.)
     Exercise can also help us feel invincible. Of course, we can’t actually be invincible, but by exercising regularly we can get a taste of that feeling of invincibility. We only need to feel a little stronger and fitter than we did the week before. That’s why Mr Skinny, who gained a little muscle mass in a month, will feel more powerful than Mr Bodybuilder, who lost a little muscle mass in a month.
     Hard to believe?
     Obviously, if Mr Skinny compares himself with Mr Bodybuilder he won’t think, or feel, powerful. But most of the time we compare our muscles with the muscles we have had in the past. That makes the difference. Rationally we might realise we are not powerful, but if we are fitter and stronger than we were last week, then on an emotional level we will feel powerful.
     Still hard to believe?
     Consider: our mind has only ever had one body to live in, so it only has that one body with which to make a comparison. It knows when the body is stronger, or weaker, and that’s how it gauges its power. That’s the only way it can. That’s why a child can feel powerful: the child’s body is the only source its mind has. Dress that little body up in a Superman costume and the mind goes wild.
     Still hard to believe?
     Remember a time when you felt your fittest and strongest? Even though you were not nearly as powerful as Mr or Mrs Universe, didn’t you feel powerful?
     An important key to feeling resilient is to feel powerful. Even better, to feel invincible. Unless you’re a media mogul, or Dr Evil into world domination, a good way to feel powerful is to get physically fitter and stronger. And the best way to do that is to exercise.
     It’s not about getting the endorphins – if you get them that’s a bonus – it’s about feeling fitter and stronger than you have felt in the recent past. With that feeling comes confidence, and a feeling of resilience.

Q. ‘So, if I exercise and manage to do just one push-up, after being unable to do any, I’m going to feel more powerful, and as a result, feel happier?’
That’s the theory! Notice that I am not suggesting that you become stronger and fitter to make you more powerful; it’s to make you feel more powerful. That’s why even the puny can benefit.

Q. ‘If we can feel more confident by becoming fitter, how would we feel if we learnt self-defence?’
Even better.

Q. ‘If Mr Bodybuilder were beaten up would he lose his feeling of power, even though he is still physically powerful? Would he lose his belief that he can handle whatever happens?’
I believe so. That supports my claim. It’s not how powerful we are that is important, it’s how powerful we feel.
     ‘Could he get that feeling back?’
    In time.

Q. ‘Improving your health and fitness takes a long time.’
If it takes you ten years of exercising a few times a week to put on a few more kilos of muscle, it means for those ten years you have been feeling just a little more powerful than the weeks before. You have gained power in tiny increments. For those ten years you have given yourself a key to resilience.
     ‘Like if we won a small amount of money each week, instead of one big lottery win? Our happiness will be sustained?’
     Correct! Except that money gives you power in the outside world, which isn’t as satisfying as the power we can feel within ourselves. Having a strong inner authority is invaluable.

Q. ‘How much happiness are we talking about? How much difference will getting fit make? Is it worth the trouble?’
Everything you do to lower your capacity to become anxious makes a small contribution, but combined they make a huge difference. I can’t say the time and trouble you take to exercise will be worth it, because it depends on what you would otherwise be doing with your time. But this key has a bonus: it will boost your health and confidence.

If you choose to exercise:
Getting started can be our biggest problem. Once we are in the habit it is easy to keep going. Try:
(i) To place pressure on yourself, declare to everyone that you’re going to start exercising. Name the dates and times. Perhaps even make a bet of some sort.
(ii) You might try to find someone to exercise with you. Commit to each other. Make damned sure it won’t be you to be the first to give up exercising. Get the other person to make the same vow.
(iii) If you can afford them, try gym or martial arts classes. Their specific times force us to arrange our life around them and build a routine. Plus, we are more likely to work hard in a gym class, and less likely to finish early. There might also be a social element that can, after time, be rewarding.
   (Don’t sign up long-term until you have made your exercise a firm habit.)
(iv) Start small. Commit to five minutes a day.
(v) Don’t make exceptions. Even if you feel ‘off colour’ go. Even if it’s raining, go. You can reduce your weights or run a little slower if need be. But go.
(vi) Ask someone to support you, to keep you from making exceptions. Give that person permission to do what it takes to get you to exercise.
(vii) Don’t wait for circumstances to be perfect. They will never be perfect.

Avoid injury by using the correct techniques.  Using the right technique might make it harder to do the exercise, and might even feel wrong, but the right muscles will be working and your body will benefit. After a while the correct technique will feel right.
  Regularly have your technique checked, to ensure you are not developing bad habits.

Is your body well? If you have doubts about your health or your ability to exercise, check your plan to exercise with a doctor before you begin.

Don’t buy a gym membership until your visits to the gym have become a habit. When you continue to exercise because you don’t want to lose the benefits you have so painstakingly gained, that’s the time to get the long-term membership.

When you begin exercising make a video diary of yourself. Six months later make another. And so on. In a few years you can reward and encourage yourself by making comparisons.
     You might also want to log the weights you use, and the number of repetitions, weekly. Or the kilometres you run. You will be rewarded with written hard evidence of your improvements, and be encouraged to keep going.

Don’t just go through the motions. Try hard. You will improve at a greater rate when you push yourself, because it’s the last few ‘impossible’ ones that make the biggest difference. In gym classes failure is expected. If you meet the requirements without failing (or without almost failing) it means your weights aren’t heavy enough, or you aren’t working hard enough. Exhaust yourself.
     ‘I don’t want to be exhausted. I have things to do afterwards.’
     When you become fit you will recover quickly.

Q. ‘I can’t afford the money to go to a gym.’
Join a sporting club. Or create two teams and organise a regular soccer game in a park. Find a sport you enjoy and do what is required to play it.
     Do twenty pushups in a television ad break. Think of something that suits you!

Q. ‘I like playing sport but I’m no good at it.’
There are many people like you. Find those people and organise something. Or join the club and let the club deal with how bad at the sport you are. Make it their problem, not yours.

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The Hadza

Posted on April 5, 2019 by Mr Bashful

In the December 2009 edition of National Geographic, Michael Finkel wrote an absorbing article about the ‘Hadza’, a hunter-gatherer tribe in a remote part of Tanzania, Africa. He writes:

‘Onwas is an old man . . . Across his arms and chest are the hieroglyphs of a lifetime in the bush: scars from hunts, scars from snakebites, scars from arrows and knives and scorpions and thorns. Scars from falling out of a baobab tree. Scars from a leopard attack. Half his teeth remain.’

A Hadza hunt at night: ‘Walking through Hadza country in the dark is challenging; thorn bushes and spiked acacia trees dominate the terrain, and even during the day there is no way to avoid being jabbed and scratched and punctured. A long trek in the Hadza bush can feel like receiving a gradual full-body tattoo. The Hadza spend a significant portion of their rest time digging thorns out of one another with the tips of their knives.’
     And,     ‘The Hadza have to cope with extreme heat and frequent thirst and swarming tsetse flies and malaria-laced mosquitoes.’

When I hear a happiness expert say their life is spectacular I wonder how they keep their endorphin levels so high for so long. It’s good that they don’t see cowpats and weeds, and instead see field upon field of daffodils. But for me the cow pats, weeds and snakes are part of life. I don’t aim to avoid pain; I aim to handle it when it comes along.

‘Onwas doesn’t worry about the future. He doesn’t worry about anything. No Hadza I met, in fact, seemed prone to worry. It was a mind-set that astounded me . . . for the Hadza, to my way of thinking, have very legitimate worries. Will I eat tomorrow? Will something eat me tomorrow? Yet they live a remarkably present-tense existence.’

‘The days I spent with the Hadza altered my perception of the world. They instilled in me something I call the “Hadza effect” . . . they made me feel calmer, more attuned to the moment, more self-sufficient, a little braver, and in less of a constant rush. I don’t care of this sounds maudlin: My time with the Hadza made me happier.’

The Hadza live in one of the most inhospitable places on earth. They get punctured by thorns, scorpions, snakes and tsetse flies, and half the time they are thirsty and hungry. But they are happy, because they can handle it.
     Core happiness is not determined by what happens in our life; it comes from satisfying long-term innate needs. One of those needs is to feel safe. And the best way to feel safe is to feel that we can handle life. The Hadza seem to satisfy that need.
     We don’t have the same opportunities the Hadza have. For us, the best way to gain that confidence in this safe, comfortable western society is to take full responsibility for how our life unfolds. It’s then we discover we can handle life.
     Apply the umpteen tips in this book and reclaim the resilience you were meant to have, before we became civilised and comfortable.

If the cowpats, snakes and weeds outnumber the daffodils, we needn’t worry. That’s normal. If the Hadza can be happy, so can we.

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Our need to feel valued.

Posted on March 28, 2019 by Mr Bashful

‘Supposedly, the words we enjoy hearing most are, “I love you”. Not true. The words we most want to hear are, “Well done!”’
Uncle Pete, from Speakers’ Corner

How you would feel if you were kind to someone and the recipient sneered at you, instead of thanking you? You might well feel lousy. It’s not our act of kindness which give us pleasure, it’s being appreciated (valued) for it.
  Even when the recipient isn’t there to appreciate what we have done, we can imagine the person’s pleasure. That can be enough.
 
Most of us already instinctively find ways to feel valued: we make friends, find a partner, act kindly, work hard, have a loving pet . . . In this section we find ways to feel valued. But first, I have a favour to ask of you, in  the next chapter.

Q. ‘Mark, if we like being valued, why don’t we boast about our achievements more often?’
Most of us soon realise gloating can be counter-productive. No one likes a boaster. And talking about your contribution might cheapen the value of another person’s contribution.
  Recognise your need to be valued, but don’t vie for attention, and don’t grab someone else’s glory.

‘The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.’
Friedrich Nietzsche.

Q. ‘Why are there vandals, and criminals? If we want to feel valued, that’s a strange way of going about it!’
Perhaps vandals feel valued by fellow vandals, in the same way gang members feel valued by each other.
  ‘Are you saying kids in gangs engage in criminal behaviour to feel valued by other gang members?’
It’s probably one reason. A member of any gang (of lawyers, a sports team, a political party . . .) might act dishonourably to get approval from their peers.

Q. ‘Mark, you say we need to be valued. But voluntary workers don’t cartwheel for joy when a new day dawns. Mother Theresa, who assisted the poor in Calcutta, was apparently a cranky lady writing angry letters to God.’
1. Voluntary workers can become bored or habituated to the same gratitude.
2. They might not get enough appreciation to make the job enjoyable.
3. They might get all the appreciation they need and are sated quickly. We don’t need much. The farmer who grew the wheat for a million breakfasts won’t experience your gratitude, but they will still feel proud of their achievement. We don’t need heaps of feedback. A little bit goes a long way.

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I ask of you a favour.

Posted on March 25, 2019 by Mr Bashful

I don’t feel comfortable jumping right in and telling you how to feel valued.

I once read an account of what happened to the people in Adolf Hitler’s gas chambers in Nazi Germany in the 1940s. From what I remember of the article, people were led into the chamber thinking they were about to shower. When gas started jetting from the ceiling’s outlets the prisoners realised they were being gassed to death. There was panic, and some people tried to reach a small ventilation grate high on one of the walls. The dying ones fell and the living ones stood on them to get higher, and closer to the grate. As more people died, the pile got higher. Finally, even the last ones on top of that pile succumbed.

I occasionally ask myself, ‘Would I have clambered onto dying people in a bid to stay alive? Each time, my answer is: probably. There is nothing special about me.

I also remember a time when I was a young boy at our primary school fete. I bought a ticket in a ‘spin-the-wheel’ raffle and my number came up. I proudly took home a meat tray, then went back to the fete and bought another ticket. I won another meat tray. I took that home too, even prouder. I went back and bought a third ticket. This time I expected to win. But when I didn’t, I was disappointed. Then an old man tottered towards the wheel and collected his meat tray. I still remember the enormous smile on his face as he carried it away.

I also saw myself: I saw my greed. I had won two meat trays already and had expected to win a third, with no thought for anyone else. Had I won that meat tray, that old man would have missed out on something special. I felt awful.

I may well be the type of person who would stand on a dying person if my life depended on it, but I will not be the person who would push someone aside when my life does NOT depend upon it. Nor will I be that little boy at the fete who took and took.

Why do I tell you this?

As I say, I don’t feel comfortable jumping right in to tell you how you can feel valued. I want to take a break from helping you. More importantly, I want you to take a break from helping you. Remember those lines at the beginning of the section by G. K Chesterton? “We are all in the same boat, in this stormy sea, and we owe each other a terrible loyalty.” Yes, it is important for you to feel valued, but what is important for you is also important for others. If we are all in this same boat together, in this stormy sea, then let’s not just look after ourselves. I don’t want you, for this entire book, to focus solely on yourself. It’s not my way and I don’t want it to be your way.

So, please, indulge me. Please do not be that little boy at the fete who focused only on how he could benefit. Please take a break from working on your personal growth to help others in their personal growth. In the next chapter, let you and I focus on helping others to feel valued. Let us express to them our ‘terrible loyalty’.

Further, please don’t just read the next chapter and move onto the next. Like every chapter in this book, it isn’t meant to simply be read. Benefits come only when we apply what we learn.

If you get into the habit of applying the material in the next chapter, people will benefit. Will you benefit too? It doesn’t matter. Do it for them.

See you in the next chapter.

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Help people feel valued.

Posted on March 21, 2019 by Mr Bashful

The examples below may be long and lengthy, but they are gold! When we apply them we not only acknowledge the person’s achievements, we acknowledge the person themselves. That’s a great way to help a person feel valued. They begin to feel real.

(1) Acknowledge a person’t achievement.
A brief ‘Well done!’is sufficient (providing the task was well done). It’s better than ‘Good boy!’because Well done!is focusing on the person’s value to the tribe.
‘Well done!’  ‘Good job!’  ‘Good work!’

We can also acknowledge a person’s efforts.
’I can see you have practised diligently.’
‘I can see you worked hard to produce that document.’
‘I noticed you were putting every bit of yourself into that race.’
‘I admire your persistence.’

Don’t praise the person. Praise the achievement.

2) Acknowledge a person’s character trait.
Now and then a detailed acknowledgment is in order, for special occasions. In the examples below we go once step further than praising the achievement: we acknowledge a character trait. That way, the person builds up a belief in their character, not in how adept they are. That’s a far more sustaining way to value someone.


’Yes, you came last in the contest, but you had the guts to enter the competition, and then compete. That’s impressive! Especially given that you would have known you had little chance of winning. This tells me you are a person interested not just in winning; but in testing yourself, and having a go. Well done!’

Each and every word has to be true. If it didn’t take courage to enter the competition, for example, don’t say it. That applies to the remaining examples. Assume the comments are an accurate and honest view of the situation.

Every acknowledgement has to be accurate, genuine and specific. And, it has to be proportionate to the amount of effort put in. Otherwise, the recipient will think you’re a dill, or lose trust in your judgment or honesty. When the comments are accurate, the recipient learns how to think about themselves in the same healthy way. They can become self-nurturing, and learn how to value themselves.

Here is another compliment acknowledging a character trait and an achievement:

‘Everyone may be celebrating Rhonda on her twenty-first birthday, but the real credit goes to you two, her parents. You two are the ones we should be celebrating, because for twenty-one years you both made sacrifices. You both worked hard to ensure you raised a healthy, well adjusted, educated, confident woman, and you succeeded. She is a credit to you both. It’s an extraordinary achievement and I congratulate you both for it. Yes, congratulations to Rhonda, but it’s because of you two that she is here, happily celebrating her birthday. Well done!’

Again, every word of it has to be true and accurate. Otherwise it’s just a gush-fest.

‘You won that contest! Congratulations! Every one of those contestants would have practised long and hard to be the best they could possibly be. They would have prepared and rehearsed and practised, over and over and over. Yet, you managed to come first! That tells me you also worked extraordinarily hard in your preparations and rehearsals. And, you must have developed a strong self-discipline. You not only have talent, you have patience and persistence. You worked hard and you thoroughly deserve your victory! Congratulations to you: not just on winning the contest, but on becoming a person who could do such a thing. Well done!’

If those acknowledgements sound to you corny or over-the-top, it’s because you’re not used to giving them. Or receiving them. Get into the habit of giving them (on those occasional instances when they’re deserved) and you will not only help someone feel valued, you will find in yourself similar strengths.

(3) Simply acknowledge a person.
A year after suffering a serious knee injury I found a young man in a street hobbling on crutches with what appeared to be a similar injury. I felt concern for him, and out of the blue I told him, ‘Hey, make sure you do your exercises, won’t you?!’ And I smiled.
He nodded and said, ‘Yes.’
I kept walking.
Six months later a young man answered my advertisement for bricks. He said to me, ‘You don’t recognise me, do you?’
I admitted that I didn’t.
I was surprised to find that our ultra-brief encounter six months previously had made an impression on him. He had appreciated my concern.
If you feel like acknowledging another human being – whether it be in their suffering or in their achievement, consider doing so. For that matter, regularly acknowledge the people you do know. Point out the things you like or admire about them.


4) Thank people.
Elsewhere we examine the importance of thanking someone for our benefit: we become aware of how fortunate we are in life, which in turn helps us develop a positive view of the world. That diminishes our anxiety. We also strengthen the bond between us and humanity, which helps satisfy our deep need to belong.

Thanking someone also benefits the other person. It’s a way to value them. There is the short way to thank someone, and the long way. Use either, depending.
The short way:
‘Thank you for remembering to buy the milk and sewing machine.’
‘Thank you for doing that without having to be reminded.’
‘Thank you for cooking dinner.’

The long way:
When we give a sincere, quality, considered ‘thank you’ to someone, they feel heartened! Here is a quick summary of how to thank:
Step 1. Thank the person, explaining what they did for you.
Step 2. Explain how your life would have been different had you not been helped.
Step 3. You can even put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Step 4.  You can add a compliment.
Step 5. Repeat your message so it’s clear.

(1) Thank you for helping me fix my car. (2) I have saved a lot of money, and I’ve learned heaps. Had you not helped me, I would have been flustered, unable to use the car, and a lot poorer. (3) I know you have other things to do, so I do appreciate it. (4) Thank you for showing patience with me when you explained things to me. (5) Thank you very much!

Look for opportunities to thank people:
(In each case be 100% genuine.)

‘I am so glad that you chose me to employ fifty years ago. I have found this job so rewarding, because . . .’

‘I am so pleased that when you argue with me you don’t get nasty. You don’t get bitter or hold a grudge. I may not like our arguments, but I like how we argue in a civilised manner. Thank you!’

‘I appreciate the many odd jobs you do around the house without being asked. Thank you!

Buy a pack of ten ‘Thank You’ cards from the newsagent, and after someone has done something nice for you, write them a note of thanks in the card and post it to them.

(5) Be a good listener.
When the other person is speaking:
(1) Listen for the message the person is trying to express behind their words.
(2) Search for a question you would like answered, and ask it.
(3) Don’t interrupt. Don’t talk over them.

When you are speaking:
(1) Look to see if the other person is interested in what you have to say.
(2) Don’t hog the conversation. Give the person opportunities to respond.
(3) Spare the person the irrelevant details.
(4) Consider making other people feel valued by inviting them into the conversation.

(6) Give someone your time.
Yes, our time is precious and we shouldn’t give it away willy-nilly, but sometimes it’s a good thing to do, and we know when those times occur.

When we spend time examining someone’s project, or asking questions about a neighbour’s experience, we are effectively telling that person that they themselves matter. We are silently saying to them, ‘I’m interested in your project because what you do matters.’

‘In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.’
Dr. Gary Chapman, from his book, ‘The 5 Love Languages’.

(7) Help out!
I once saw a bricklayer unloading bricks from his truck. I had the time to spare and helped him. I don’t know if he felt valued, or even if he thanked me, but in most instances, assisting a stranger can help them feel valued by ‘humanity’. It’s a reminder that we are ‘all in this same boat together’.

‘The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” . . . Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.’
Dr Chapman again.

If someone is changing a tyre facing the road, direct the traffic around them. If someone is trying to figure something out, teach them. Simply, if you have the time, assist someone. Don’t do it just be kind. Or to be a good person. Do it to strengthen the connection between you and humanity. That’s a key to core happiness.

(8) Physical Touch.
The boxing classes I attend are gruelling for all the participants, and when I walk past a regular partner I might feel a sudden twinge of affection for them and give them a friendly whack on the back. It gives me pleasure to do so.

I like it when I get a whack on the back, too.

I also like shaking the hand of someone I respect. 
 Touch is vitally important, as Ashley Montagu explains in his eye-opening book, ‘Touching. The Human Significance of the Skin.’

Here’s Dr Chapman again: ‘Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face–they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love.’



Q. ‘How can we help our kids feel valued?’
Spend time with them. And, as well as applying the tips above, we can give them jobs to do. Household jobs. They learn how to contribute ‘to the tribe’, and when we thank them, they feel valued for their contribution. In the process they also learn self-discipline, how to be industrious, how to pull their own weight, and how to be reliable. Great skills for life.

Do chores with them. All of you can clean the house together, or work in the garden as a team.
  ‘Do we pay them?’
  You decide. There are too many factors to be considered to discuss here.

Exercise Sheet
Print this page and nail your copy to something fragile. As you complete each task, tick it. When you have completed each task three times mail the page to a celebrity.
 
(Some of the tasks will benefit you as well as the recipient. For example, every time you say ‘Good morning’ to someone, and every time you acknowledge a car driver’s courtesy, you will be adding to your feeling of connection, not just theirs.)

▪ Give someone a few minutes of your time by listening to them. Let them complete what they want to say, and then ask questions. You don’t need to contribute your opinion unless requested to do so.

▪ Get into the habit of telling people why you appreciate them. Or, acknowledge their achievement. Be genuine and specific.
    ‘You’re good at . . .’      ‘I like the way you . . .’      ‘I notice that you . . .’

▪ Remember someone’s birthday and acknowledge it when it arrives.

▪ Do a job for a parent or neighbour without being asked. (Put the bin out. Sweep the path. Clean up the dog poo in the back yard. Mow the lawn . . .)

▪ Be patient with someone. The ones who are hard to be patient with need it the most.

▪ Thank someone, and be genuine. ‘Thank you for arranging my birthday party.’  Do it face to face if you can.

▪ Using the five steps, write a Thank you letter to a person who has significantly contributed to your life. It could be to a parent, relative, teacher, friend, colleague, employer . . .

▪ Acknowledge someone’s existence. For example, ring your grandpa without being asked.

▪ If you catch a passing stranger’s eye, say ‘Good morning’.

▪ Give a small gift to someone if you think they’d appreciate it.

▪ Patiently listen to someone complain.

▪ When you cross a road as a pedestrian, and a car gives way to you, give a nod of thanks and a smile.

▪ Make your pet feel valued!  Play with it. (Make it a habit.) Walk the neighbour’s dog.

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Ways to feel valued.

Posted on March 17, 2019 by Mr Bashful

How can we succeed in feeling valued on a sustained, day-to-day level, and help satisfy our deep need to belong?

(1) We feel valued when we are popular with others: when we are adept at entertaining people with our wit or intellect, or valued for our looks or for our talents, or for what we can do for others. This works well enough, but there can be problems:

What happens when the approval we receive evaporates? When our talents, or looks, fade? When we no longer impress? 

Every time an entertainer performs in front of an audience they have the attention of ‘the tribe’, and the tribe applauds them. That’s a great way to feel valued! However, the applause is temporary. From what I gather, when the show is over the entertainer goes home, or to a hotel room, and the feeling of being valued dissipates. Is it because the entertainer does not have a strong connection with anyone in ‘the tribe’? Is the appreciation they receive one dimensional because they don’t know the people valuing them? The entertainer might know they are valued by many, but might not feel it, so the door to rejection, to abandonment, remains open. So, they have to keep performing, keep entertaining, to receive that regular ‘hit’.

To feel valued on a sustained level and add to their core happiness, they might have to entertain most nights.

‘The person who seeks all their applause from the outside has their happiness in another’s keeping.’ 
Dale Carnegie.

How many wealthy entertainers continue working long after they can afford to retire? They might say they enjoy it, and they probably do. They might say it’s ‘in their blood’. And of course, they might have charitable causes they like to support. But I suspect that for some, it’s the audience’s appreciation that keeps them performing. That’s not a bad thing, but are their efforts to feel valued directing their life? Have they limited their options?

Further, might an entertainer  be haunted in the quiet times? ‘Am I an imposter?’ they might ask themselves. ‘Does my audience love the image I present, not me? Would they reject me if they knew the real me?’

‘Where do you go to my lovely, when you’re alone in your bed?’
 Peter Sardstet.

I’m using entertainers as an obvious example; it’s not just entertainers. Doctors enjoy respect, but when some have retired they have felt empty, and useless. Could the fear of feeling useless be haunting many workers, and keep them from retiring?

My concern is that if we are driven by the need to feel relevant and valued, that drive may be directing our lives, and making us vulnerable to the times when we no longer are valued by others.

(2) Another way to feel valued is to feel loved, by family or friends. It is a five-star way to feel valued, but it’s not guaranteed. We can be taken for granted by our partner, parents or children. Many people feel more valued by their adoring pet!

As for making friends, we can’t force people to like us, and if we try too hard to please people we either please the wrong ones, or they see through us. Worse, we can end up losing touch with the person we are, and rely too heavily on the façade we have made for ourselves. That leads to instability and insecurity.

And, even if we do feel valued by our friends or family, what happens when they move away? Or we move away?

(3) Another way to feel valued is to have a deep belief in a god that is ever-present and ever-loving. However, that can be problematical if we become self-righteous and judgmental in the hope of keeping that love, or earning more of it. Or in the fear of losing it.

(4) The best, most enduring way to feel valued is to be in touch with our inner self-worth. Have you met people who are so self-assured they don’t need another person’s approval to feel comfortable? Who enjoy close relationships, but don’t need them, to be happy? They are the ones in touch with their own inner flame – their self-worth.

But I’m not going to tell you to start loving yourself. We can’t simply flick a switch and begin loving ourselves. We can’t simply say to ourselves,‘Hey, from now on I will love myself,’ and do it. If only it were that easy! But there are things we can do, and that’s what we will focus on in the remaining chapters of this section. But first, let’s look at the topic of self-worth.

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