One day, young Charlotte was walking down a country road alongside the spooky Dark Forest. Out from the Dark Forest strode Anger. Anger was a ferocious looking creature. It was white with rage, and its huge, warty mouth had long, sharp teeth like breadknives. It drooled venom as it stormed up to Charlotte. Charlotte trembled.
Anger complained bitterly and demanded she act immediately. Charlotte told it, ‘Go way! I don’t want you here! Go away!’ But the creature continued to complain, and drip venom, until eventually it strode away, back into the Dark Forest.
Charlotte felt dreadful.
The next day, Charlotte was again near the Dark Forest when out stepped Prejudice. The creature’s skin was mould, its head looked like a garbage tip, and its rotten teeth looked like black carrots. It insisted on speaking with Charlotte, and this time Charlotte just shrugged, knowing she didn’t have much choice in the matter. The creature rambled on and on with breath that smelled like fresh spew, until finally it wandered away back into the Dark Forest.
Charlotte felt flat.
Next day, Sadness emerged from the Dark Forest. Sadness was soggy from crying a thousand tears of lemon juice. This time, Charlotte decided to welcome the creature and listen to what it had to say. She even gave it a kind word and wiped a lemon-juice tear from its left eye. After a while, Sadness went quiet. It disappeared without her noticing.
Charlotte felt okay.
Then it dawned on her: although Sadness was a drag to be with, it had come to assist her. It had come to tell her something was wrong in her life. Charlotte then realised that Anger and Prejudice had also come to assist her. Anger had come to fight for her values, and Prejudice had come to address her fears.
A week later, Anger visited again. But instead of trying to shoo the scary creature away, Charlotte welcomed it and listened to its complaints. She then worked out a way to solve its problem. Anger considered her advice and agreed with her solution. It wandered off with a mild grumble.
Over time, other creatures emerged from the Dark Forest: Grief, Fear, Jealousy, Envy . . . and many others. Most of them visited more than once. All of them could see pain in her life and had come to assist her. Although Charlotte didn’t want them visiting, she accepted them and dealt with their concerns. After a while she got to know them, and she became adept at dealing with them.
Charlotte knew that none of the creatures was bad; each was just a troubled soul trying to deal with the world – her world – the best way it could.
Over time, the creatures grew softer and wiser, until they rarely needed to leave the Dark Forest. And when they did, they didn’t stay long. They would have a quiet chat with Charlotte and return content.
Charlotte lost her fear of the Dark Forest and ventured into it. She discovered new paths and extended her boundaries. When she met the dark creatures in there she felt safe with them. And she came to realise: they were her friends. They always had been.
Of course, I have been talking about the Dark Forest within each of us. We can learn from Charlotte. We need to give ourselves permission to feel all our dark emotions. They are in our dark forest and they are meant to be there. When they venture out, let’s welcome them and deal with their concerns.
We may not enjoy their visits, but those dark emotions require our attention. If we pretend they aren’t there they will just keep coming back, and keep nagging us. And, we won’t learn how to deal with them. They will remain ornery, and hard to handle. But when we accept them, we become skilled in dealing with them. And, like Charlotte, we also come to realise: they are our friends. Always have been.
So, if we are hateful, for example, so be it. Instead of pretending the hatred is not there, or criticising ourselves because it is there, we can simply accept that it’s there and learn how to deal with it. We can look to see what’s behind it. Is it fear? If so, the fear of what?
Let’s observe that hatred like a scientist would. And try to understand precisely what it is we hate, and why. Then we can give thought to our response. We can still act wisely; hatred doesn’t have to influence our behaviour.
When we observe an emotion without criticising it, we get to know it better and its hold on us weakens. After a while we might even stop feeling hateful, or jealous, or whatever, because we understand what’s behind the emotion.
In short, don’t criticise yourself when you have an unwanted emotion. Don’t say, ‘I shouldn’t be feeling this,’ or ‘I’m a bad person for feeling this way’. Instead, accept it and listen to it, and then give thought to your response.
You might like to say to yourself, ‘Hey, I feel that way and that’s okay. I am allowed to feel that way.’ Or, ‘I’m feeling this and it feels awful, but it can stay.’ Then look for the fear, or the ‘should’, behind the emotion. Figure out how you’re going to deal with it.
You can also remind yourself that at some point your suffering will go away, and until then it can hang around for as long as it likes.
In his book ‘The Happiness Trap’, Dr Harris suggests we say something like, ‘I don’t like this feeling, but I have room for it.’ And, ’This feeling is unpleasant, but I can accept it.’
Whatever you try, do that often enough and you also will become softer and wiser, and build within yourself a confidence that you can handle life. That’s a big step towards developing resilience, and happiness.
What happened to Charlotte? She lived happily ever after.
‘. . . it is important to totally give yourself permission to feel. And then feel it. Strange things happen when we feel our feelings. They themselves morph into another feeling and often we have a feeling of relief for honouring our own feeling.’
Gay McKinley, psychologist
Q. ‘You mentioned jealousy.’
The same. Notice it and label it. ‘I’m feeling jealous.’ Then remind yourself it’s okay to feel jealous and it has your permission to be with you. ‘Hey, I feel jealous and that’s okay. I am allowed to feel jealous.’ Then look for the fear, or the ‘should’, behind the emotion. Figure out how you’re going to deal with it. In his book ‘The Happiness Trap’, Dr Harris suggests we say something like, ‘I don’t like this feeling, but I have room for it.’ And, ’This feeling is unpleasant, but I can accept it.’
If you’re suffering, tell yourself: ‘I’m feeling this and it feels awful. But it can stay.’ Remind yourself that at some point your suffering will go away. Until then, it can hang around for as long as it likes.
‘For the most part, emotional pain has a cure – and that cure is time.’ . . .
. . . ‘The pain you are experiencing will build, peak and then ebb. It has its own energy force and its own time schedule. You’re simply its passenger . . .
‘Be an observer of the process. Tell yourself, “I’m watching myself be in pain but not wasting time trying to fix it.”
Toby Green, psychologist.
Q. ‘If I am sad, why would I welcome Sadness? Won’t I become even sadder? What if I end up sinking into a sadness I can’t get out of?’
Yes, sadness hurts. All the dark emotions involve pain. Accepting them instead of distracting yourself from them, or pretending you don’t have them, or using alcohol to hide from them, will make you feel uncomfortable, but the pain will dissipate. It’s like lancing a boil or having an injection: in the short term it hurts, but in the long-run, you will benefit. By acknowledging your pain, and allowing yourself to undergo it, you give yourself the opportunity to heal.
“If I don’t . . .?’
Then it will keep nagging you, like the creatures that kept nagging Charlotte before she accepted their presence. And, you won’t learn how to deal with that emotion.
‘It won’t go away! And you will feel it in unexpected ways and at unexpected times – in all its glorious messiness. It takes time to heal, but feeling that pain is a crucial step towards healing.’
Gay McKinley again.
Q. ‘I notice Charlotte didn’t meet the positive emotions.’
Charlotte already felt comfortable with her friends Curiosity, Calm and Confidence, to name just three. Our warm emotions also enjoy the ear of a patient listener, but unlike the creatures of the Dark Forest, they don’t need it. We usually embrace them.
Not always. I once heard someone say that only when they gave themselves permission to be happy did their life change. So yes, we need to welcome all our emotions, dark and light.
Q. ‘What if I were a paedophile or pyromaniac? Should I welcome my desires and invite them to stay with me?’
Just because you welcome an emotion does not mean you have to act upon it. Instead of telling yourself you should not be attracted to children, or should not have the desire to start a fire, acknowledge that you are feeling that way, and explore it. Give yourself permission to feel those things. Tell yourself, ‘I feel compelled to start fires. So be it. I am attracted to children. So be it. Then ask yourself, ‘how can I best deal with these feelings?’
That’s an important question to ask, and you couldn’t ask it if you refused to acknowledge those feelings in the first place.
If you refuse to let yourself have those feelings, or berate yourself for having them, you could foster an inner turmoil that might mean you have less control over your behaviour when it matters. If you find yourself holding a box of matches in a forest and have not yet learned to handle those impulsive feelings, your resistance to the impulse might be low. The first step towards handling those feelings is to accept you have them. Once you do that, you can take steps towards dealing with those emotions, and your behaviour, in times when it matters.
‘Allow yourself to be unhappy. When we’re feeling bad, feeling in pain, all we want is to get away from it. Ignore it, pretend you’re fine, comfort yourself from the pain, shield yourself, lash out in defensiveness, numb it with drugs, distract yourself. This is a very human response. But actually, wanting to get away from the unhappiness doesn’t make it better. It usually just prolongs the pain, makes problems worse. Instead, tell yourself that it’s OK to feel unhappy, it’s OK to feel pain. Pause and allow yourself to feel it, to fully be immersed in that unhappiness. See that it’s OK, and be curious about it, explore it, become intimate with it. It’s not pleasant, but it doesn’t kill you. And in fact, it’s where the healing starts, where growth happens.’
Leo Babauta, Zen Habits
Let’s avoid expressions like: ‘I shouldn’t be envious of her. I’m shallow.’ Try instead: ‘I feel envious of her . That’s fine. Although I’d rather not feel this way, it’s what I am feeling. So be it.’
We might choose to add: ‘What do I fear that prompts me to feel that way? What is my deeper concern?’
Let’s avoid: ‘I shouldn’t get angry. I’m supposed to be serene and mature. Only losers get angry.’ Try instead: ‘I feel angry. So be it. What’s the best way to express this anger to make changes, and not make things worse?’ Or, ‘It’s okay for me to feel angry, but is it worth getting angry about?’
Let’s avoid: ‘I’m afraid, but I shouldn’t be. Other people are have gone through worse.’ Try instead: ‘I feel afraid. I’m allowed to be afraid. I will be afraid!’
We might choose to add: ‘What can I do to solve the problem?’
Let’s avoid: ‘I hate that person. I must be a bad person to be so hateful.’ Try instead: ‘I hate that person. That’s interesting. Why do I hate that person? Is fear prompting me to hate them? Or envy? The fear or envy of what? If it’s neither fear nor envy, what is prompting me to hate that person?’
When we give ourselves permission to feel what we are feeling, we give ourselves an opportunity to grow.
Do it now. Officially give yourself permission to feel any emotion from now on.
(Say it out loud, and mean it.)
‘I , , officially welcome any emotion that arises within me. That includes anger, fear, hatred, self-loathing, envy, doubt, jealousy, contempt, resentment, despair – any dark emotion that might arise within me.
If I feel any dark emotion, so be it. It can stay for as long as it likes, and while it visits I will listen to it and aim to understand what it is telling me.
I also give myself permission to feel joy, peace, serenity, humour, happiness – and any other warm emotion that might arise within me.
All my emotions, dark and warm, will always be welcome.
Furthermore, I will protect that emotion for as long as it chooses to stay.
Officially, each and every one of my emotions has my unwavering permission to be. Period.’
It’s official! From now on you are obliged to notice what you are feeling and welcome it. On no account can you criticise yourself for feeling an unwanted emotion. When you feel an unwanted emotion, don’t say to yourself, ‘I shouldn’t be feeling this way’, or ‘Why am I upset over something so trivial?’ No, those statements are now banned. Instead, be like Charlotte and let the emotion be. Welcome it. Observe it. Label it. Listen to its message. Then, if you like, shrug.
‘Have the courage to be imperfect.’
Change the following sentences to give yourself permission to feel.
Example: ‘I feel ashamed., but I shouldn’t feel that way. I did nothing wrong.’
Try: ‘I feel ashamed, and that’s okay. Whether I should feel it or not doesn’t matter; I feel shame and so be it.’
You then might ask: ‘What beliefs do I have prompt me to feel this way?’
(1) ’I can’t stop crying. I’m hopeless.’
(2) ‘I can’t stand working with him. I shouldn’t be like that. I should be more patient, more tolerant.’
(3) ‘I feel hurt, but that’s my problem. If I get upset over something trivial like that, it serves me right.’