All of us need to have the ability to say ‘no’ when ‘no’ is the word we want to use.
When someone makes a request of us it can be kind to put our own needs aside to help them. But we need to have the capacity to say ‘no’. If we feel compelled to help out, then we are not choosing to assist because there is no choice about it – it’s a ‘no contest’ – we have given ourselves no choice. However, if we are capable of saying ‘no’ it becomes a fair encounter. Then, when we do choose to put our own needs aside, it’s our decision. Guilt hasn’t won out. We haven’t succumbed to the pressure. Instead, we have agreed to do it on our terms. And, because it’s a fair decision, we won’t feel resentment, we won’t feel weak, and we won’t feel awful. We retain our inner authority.
Q. ‘It’s difficult to say no. Some people get hostile.’
It might be because you are not meeting their needs. They might want their needs met and don’t care about your needs. Your refusal to comply with their request is an inconvenience for them. If that’s the case, resist the pressure and stick up for yourself.
That said, if you refuse to meet clear and fair obligations (refuse to fulfil a fair promise, for example) their hostility is understandable (but hopefully constructively expressed).
Q. ‘By saying ‘no’ I am concerned I might hurt someone’s feelings.’
The other person might feel hurt, but if you are being fair and reasonable, the other person has to take responsibility for how they feel.
Notice if the other person focuses on how disadvantaged they have been, rather than on why you are having to act assertively.
The idea of being assertive is to effect a positive change, so to comply with a request for fear of hurting someone would be to betray yourself and your aims.
Further, although the person might feel hurt, they might also appreciate your straightforwardness. People aren’t as fragile as you might think.
You can soothe the other person if you like. You can let them know you care about their feelings: ‘I can see you’re upset, and I can understand why. It would be a distressing situation to be in and I genuinely feel for you. However, no, I won’t . . . ’
Steps we can take to say ‘No’.
1. First, pause. This gives us time to collect our thoughts and remember what to do next.
2. Keep our response short, by smiling and saying ‘No’, or ‘No, thank you’, or ‘I decline’. Remember, we are not obliged to give a reason.
Be kind with your refusal. Avoid being aggressive. Don’t say, ‘Which part of ‘no’ don’t you understand.’ Assertiveness is about respecting yourself and the other person.
Avoid the wimpy phrases like: ‘No, I don’t think I can.’
‘I’m not sure I will.’
‘Maybe later.’
3. Afterwards, congratulate yourself.
One more tip:
When faced with an unwanted request from someone, try asking yourself, ‘Would I request this of someone?” If your answer is ‘no’, you will find it easier to say no.
Avoid being manipulated into saying ‘yes’.
Here are three tips from David J. Lieberman’s book, ‘Never be lied to again’:
‘Ever wonder why religious groups offer a flower or some other gift in the airport? They know that most people will feel compelled to give them a small donation. We know we don’t have to, but we can become uncomfortable, even though we didn’t ask for the gift in the first place.
When someone gives us something we feel indebted to him. When you are presented with a request, make sure that you’re not acting out of a sense of obligation. This rule can take many forms, it’s not limited to gifts. You could be offered information, a concession, or even someone’s time. Don’t think that sales people don’t know that if they invest a lot of time with you, showing you a product, demonstrating how it works, you will feel somewhat obligated to buy it, even if you’re not sure that you really want it. The key is to decide what’s right, independent of the other person’s interest in your decision.’
From David J. Lieberman’s book, ‘Never be lied to again.’
From Page 198.
‘By agreeing to the small requests, you justify your behaviour by realigning your thinking as follows: “I must really care about this person or I wouldn’t be helping him” and ‘I must really care about this cause or I wouldn’t be doing any of this.
To avoid others using this rule on you, beware if you are asked to commit to something even in a small way. This request is usually followed by a slightly greater request, and over time your sense of commitment is built up to the point where you feel locked into your decision.
When you make decision, notice if your best interests are being served or if you’re simply trying to “make right” a previous behaviour.’
From David J. Lieberman’s book, ‘Never be lied to Again.’
And, on page 203:
‘If you’re asked to do a large favour for someone only to decline his request for help, beware. A smaller favour, the one he really wants you to do, may follow. We are more likely to agree to a smaller request if we’re first presented with a larger one. In contrast to the first request, the smaller one is no big deal. You feel bad for not coming through on his original favour, and this seems like a fair compromise.
. . . You don’t want to be perceived as unreasonable. Refusing the large request is one thing. And this small favour is not going to kill you.
David J. Lieberman, ‘Never be Lied to Again’.sss
Why do we need to be assertive? Find out why in ‘Don’t Live in Wimp City‘.
More assertiveness tips:
1. State what needs to happen from now on.
Don’t state the obvious. Focus on the future.
2. You are not obliged to give a reason.
We are taught to justify our decisions. Forget it!
3. Show the person you understand their point of view.
When they realise you understand them, they pressure you less.
4. Don’t run away.
Life isn’t like it is in the movies.
5. You don’t need to solve the other person’s problem.
If you do, there will be more pressure on you to be the solution.
6. You are not obligated to answer all questions.
Sometimes, people ask you questions to manipulate you.
7. Ensure your question is answered.
People are good at dodging questions, and most of the time they don’t realise it. Don’t let them get away with it.
8. Don’t be a citizen of Wimp City.
Are you a ‘sorry’?
9. Don’t be an ‘Are you sure?’.
Who is afraid of being a burden?
10. Don’t be a ‘Maybe’.
Have you ever said to a salesperson, “Maybe later?”
11. Get rid of the ums & ers.
Speak like you know what you are talking about.
12. Ask why.
Don’t waste your time trying to mind-read.
13. Ask for help.
That’s one good way to take responsibility for yourself.
15. Ask for something in return.
Favours are not tradeable commodities.
16. Accept compliments.
It’s a classy, assertive way to respond.
The Umpteen Keys to Resilience 