Key 52. Don’t be an ‘are you sure?’

The human mind is an inventive critter, adept at finding ways to undermine itself. Here is another way to be a citizen of Wimp City.

Bill: ‘Do you mind if I sit here?’

Jane: That’s fine.
Bill: ‘Are you sure?’

Bill: ‘Would you like a second helping?’
Jane: ‘No thank you.’

Bill: ‘Are you sure?’

In the first instance, Bill is afraid of being a burden to Jane. In the second, Bill is concerned Jane does not want to burden him. Either way, Bill has a ‘burden’ issue which will undermine him in other aspects of his life.

Although Bill’s intention is to appear polite and concerned, he appears weak. An assertive person would accept the person’s decision.

When we immediately accept a person’s decision we give them respect. We assume their decisions mean something. Giving them that credit increases the connection we have with them.

In this book we can’t solve Bill’s ‘burden issue’, but we can learn from him: we can get ourselves out of the habit of asking, ‘Are you sure?’

Q. ‘Let’s say Bill immediately accepts Jane’s decision to not have a second helping. What if Jane was being polite, and was hoping to be asked again?’

Jane would soon learn to ensure her first answer was an honest one. She might be disconcerted initially, but she would soon understand that she was dealing with a competent communicator, and adapt her behaviour accordingly.

Q. ‘I worry about being a burden to others. How do I resolve it?’

That’s outside my realm. But a step towards resolving that issue is to answer the following difficult questions:
1. How different would life be if you didn’t feel like a burden? In what way would your life change?
2. Is it possible that you might only feel like a burden, but not actually be one?
3. What would need to change for you to not feel like a burden?
4. A baby defecates anywhere it likes, whenever it can. It’s a poo-ing machine. It cries, does no housework, and pays no rent. Yet, it is not considered a burden by its parents. Does that suggest anything to you?
Does it suggest that to be a burden you must first have someone consider you to be one?
In turn, doesn’t that indicate that only another person can make you a burden?
And doesn’t that indicate that if that other person considers you to be a burden, that’s the way they have chosen to see you?
With that in mind, do you accept the label of ‘burden’ simply because someone else chooses to see you that way? Or do you aim to be the person you are, and let other people deal with it?

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